Table of Contents
Have You Tried Everything? 1
Have You Tried Exercise?
Have You Tried Endorphins? 6
I Got My Bangui' Beach Bod from an Evil Sea Witch and So Can You! 12
This Full-Body Barre Workout Is the Only Thing You Need to Do Today 14
A Timeline of My Average Three-Mile Run 17
Thanks to Yoga I'm Less Stressed, More Flexible, and Closer Than Ever to Being a Better Person Than You 23
Have You Tried Food?
Have You Tried a Fad Diet? 28
Are You Drinking Enough Water? 35
A Quick and Easy Recipe for Incredibly Haunted Bone Broth 39
Wellness Supplement or Parasitic Space Monster from the Alien Franchise? 44
You're Probably Tired Because You Eat Grain, Not Because Your Earthly Consciousness Resides in a Naturally Decaying Flesh Suit That Inevitably Fails as You Age 47
Are You Hungry or Are You Just Horny? 51
Have You Tried Working?
Have You Tried Your Dream Job? 56
My Life Has No Meaning, but Have You Tried the New Toaster? 63
Jobs I'm Actively Googling During Work Hours 65
The Ten Commandments of Workism 70
Anything Men Can Do I Can Do Bleeding 73
Which Hallmark Movie Job Will Get You Your Happy Ending? 75
Have You Tried Buying Things?
Have You Tried Buying Artisanal Glassware? 84
Five Extremely Expensive Rugs That Will Definitely Solve All Your Problems 92
My Targeted Instagram Ads, Translated 97
Seven Signs It's Time for Face Creams 102
What You Need Is Some Very Expensive Underwear 107
Maslow's Hierarchy of Wants 110
Have You Tried Love, Sex, or Some Combination of the Two?
Have You Tried a Duke? 114
Romance Novel Summaries for Real-Life Relationships 121
Six Upsettingly Realistic Sex Toys Nobody Asked For 126
Dear Mother and Father, My Monster Boyfriend Is Coming to Dinner 129
Have You Tried Nature?
Have You Tried Walking around Outside for Fun? 134
I'm Moving to the Woods to Live in a Nightmare Shack 141
The Mountains Are Calling and They'd Like to Discuss Some of Your Recent Behavior 144
I'm Your Outdoor Dream Girl and Not an Evil Wood Nymph Who Wants to Steal Your Soul 148
Have You Tried Religion or Something That Resembles a Religion?
Have You Tried Jesus? 152
Welcome to Our Self-Help, Multilevel Marketing Company That Definitely Isn't a Pagan Sex Cult 162
I Don't Believe in Astrology Except When It Tells Me Exactly What I Want to Hear 167
The Smart Roomba S10 Will Now Clean the World 170
Have You Tried Relaxing?
Have You Tried Hypnotizing Yourself Calm? 174
FAQ: Your Visit to WOMB Luxury Floatation Therapy Center 181
A Guide to Which Part of Your Life That Acupuncture Needle Is Fixing 184
I'm the Scented Candle You Just Bought and I Need You to Stop Putting So Much Pressure on Me 188
A Guided Meditation for Existing as a Woman 191
Lines from an Honest Gratitude Journal 197
Have You Tried Taking Care of Something Other Than Yourself?
Have You Tried Backyard Chickens? 202
The Pros and Cons of Procreation (As Understood by a Childless Person in Their Twenties) 209
Potential Rebranding Strategies for Cats as a Whole 213
Obituaries for All the Plants I've Killed 217
What to Expect When You're Expecting Kombucha 222
An Inconclusive Conclusion 227
Acknowledgments 231
About the Author 235