| Introduction to the New Edition | xix |
| Who this Book is for and How to Use it | xxi |
| Physical Abuse | xxi |
| Sexual Abuse | xxii |
| Emotional Abuse | xxiii |
| Important Tools to Help You Understand Your Situation | xxv |
| How to Read this Book | xxxiv |
Section I | Making the Decision to Leave or Stay | |
Chapter 1 | Social and Political Aspects of Abuse | 1 |
| The History of Battering | 1 |
| The Masculine Role | 3 |
| Why Do Men Batter? | 5 |
| The Female Role | 7 |
| Why Do Women Stay? | 8 |
| Why Do Men Stay? | 9 |
| What Can Be Done? | 10 |
Chapter 2 | Marriage and the Family: New and Traditional Values | 11 |
| What is a Family? | 11 |
| The Family in Perspective | 12 |
| Who Are You Listening To? | 13 |
| What is Important to You? | 14 |
| Weighing the Pros and Cons | 17 |
Chapter 3 | Is it Ever Right to Break Up the Family? | 19 |
| Where Do Your Guilt Feelings Come From? | 19 |
| Suicide and "Cracking Up" | 20 |
| What About the Children? | 22 |
| Child Abuse | 25 |
| What Do the Children Deserve? | 29 |
Chapter 4 | What Do You Owe Yourself? | 31 |
| Are You Somebody Besides Wife, Mother, or Girlfriend? | 31 |
| Reading His Feelings, Reading Yours | 33 |
| "What if it's Really my Fault?" | 34 |
| What Do You Deserve? | 36 |
| Getting Respect in the Workplace (at Home and on the Job) | 40 |
| Understanding What You Both Deserve | 41 |
Chapter 5 | "But I Still Love Him" | 43 |
| What Does Being in Love Mean? | 43 |
| Romantic Love | 45 |
| Addictive Love | 47 |
| Nurturing Love | 49 |
| Reasons for Leaving Someone You Love | 49 |
Chapter 6 | Making the Decision | 51 |
| How Serious are You? | 51 |
| What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Leave? | 52 |
| What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Stay with the Man? | 54 |
| Balancing the Scales | 56 |
| Making a Commitment to Stay | 59 |
| Leaving to Protect Yourself | 61 |
| Preparing to Leave Permanently | 64 |
Section II | Getting Professional Help | 67 |
| The Problem of Sexism | 69 |
Chapter 7 | Emergency Help from Doctors, Police, and Prosecutors | 72 |
| Medical Help | 72 |
| Police Intervention | 75 |
| How to Get the most Effective Police Response | 76 |
| When Will Police Make an Arrest? | 76 |
| Cooperating with the Prosecutor | 77 |
| What the Prosecutor Can and Can't Do | 79 |
| Dealing with the Prosecutor | 80 |
| How Can You Keep the Batterer Away? | 81 |
Chapter 8 | Making Legal Decisions | 83 |
| When Should you Hire a Lawyer? | 83 |
| Divorce | 84 |
| Child Custody | 85 |
| Property Division, Alimony, and Child Support | 86 |
| Costs and Benefits of Support from the Man | 88 |
| Other Legal Problems | 89 |
| Interviewing the Lawyer | 89 |
| Evaluating the Lawyer | 91 |
Chapter 9 | Getting Help from a Counselor | 94 |
| What Do You Want from a Counselor? | 94 |
| Finding a Counselor | 96 |
| The First Counseling Session | 99 |
| The Special Case of a Sexist Counselor | 101 |
| Advantages of a Woman Counselor | 102 |
| How to Evaluate the Counselor | 103 |
Section III | Helping Yourself to Survival | 107 |
Chapter 10 | You Can be Your Own Counselor | 109 |
| Changing How You Talk to Yourself | 110 |
| What did You Do Right Today? | 111 |
| What are You Telling Yourself? | 114 |
| The Difference Between the General and the Specific | 116 |
| Evaluate Your Rules | 117 |
Chapter 11 | A Courageous Act a Day | 120 |
| The Uses of Denial | 120 |
| Unconvering Your Fears | 121 |
| Redefine the Task | 123 |
| Take Credit for Each Courageous Act | 124 |
| Be Good to Yourself | 125 |
| Be Physically Self-Supportive | 127 |
Chapter 12 | An End to Isolation | 131 |
| How Critical of Others are You? | 131 |
| Start with the People You Know | 134 |
| Meeting New People | 135 |
| Choosing Jobs, Classes, Organizations | 135 |
Chapter 13 | Reaching Out | 139 |
| Risking the First Steps | 139 |
| Getting to Know People on the Job | 140 |
| Getting to Know People in Classes and Organizations | 142 |
| Moving from Acquaintances to Friends | 144 |
| How Much do You Confide in a New Friend? | 146 |
| Getting Help from the Family | 147 |
Section IV | After You Leave | 151 |
Chapter 14 | The First Week | 153 |
| Staying in a Shelter for Battered Women | 153 |
| Staying with Friends or Relatives | 155 |
| Staying Alone | 156 |
| Groups for Abused Women | 158 |
| Contact with the Man Who Battered You | 158 |
| Coping with Fear | 163 |
| Loneliness | 164 |
Chapter 15 | Protecting Yourself and the Children | 166 |
| Visitation | 166 |
| Contact with the Batterer | 167 |
| What You Can Do for the Children | 170 |
| Children's Reactions to Violence and Separation | 172 |
Chapter 16 | The Practical Questions of Welfare and Housing | 177 |
| Welfare | 177 |
| Other Benefits | 181 |
| The Housing Search | 182 |
| Shared Housing | 183 |
| Questions for a Potential Housemate | 184 |
Chapter 17 | The Economics of Single Life | 187 |
| Paid Employment | 187 |
| Getting Ahead on the Job | 191 |
| How to Budget Your Income and Expenses | 192 |
| Working from a Budget | 194 |
| Home Maintenance | 196 |
| Overcoming Financial Ignorance | 198 |
Chapter 18 | Sexuality | 200 |
| Learning to Trust Your Experience | 202 |
| Sexuality Isn't Just Sex | 203 |
| Lesbianism | 208 |
Chapter 19 | The New Romance | 211 |
| What Are You Looking for in a Partner? | 211 |
| What If You Keep Finding the Same Kind of Man? | 213 |
| Giving Up Control | 219 |
| Protecting Yourself | 220 |
Chapter 20 | The Long Haul | 225 |
| Learning to Cope with Loneliness | 225 |
| You Make Your Own Life | 227 |
| What Can You Do Now? | 230 |
Section V | The Ones Who Got Away | 233 |
Chapter 21 | The Ones Who Got Away | 235 |
| Life with the Batterer | 235 |
| The Unexpected | 240 |
| The Good Outweights the Bad | 242 |
| Getting Through the Stressful Days | 242 |
| Help Comes from Unexpected Sources | 244 |
| Advice to Women in Abusive Relationships | 245 |
| Hindsight | 246 |
| Advice to You if You're Thinking of Going Back | 247 |
| Life is Better Now | 249 |
Section VI | Special Challenges | 253 |
Chapter 22 | Emotional Abuse | 255 |
| Understanding the Chart of Coercion | 256 |
| Problems of Identifying Abuse | 263 |
| Identifying Emotional Abuse and Using Getting Free to Diminish It | 263 |
| Making Changes | 273 |
Chapter 23 | Teen Abuse | 275 |
| How Common is Teenage Battering? | 276 |
| How to Tell if You're Abused | 277 |
| Who's Responsible for the Violence? | 278 |
| What to do if You're Hit | 279 |
| Ending the Relationship | 280 |
| How to Use Getting Free | 281 |
| What Can a Parent Do? | 283 |
Chapter 24 | Lesbian Abuse | 286 |
| The Question of Who is Battering | 286 |
| The Nature of Lesbian Battering | 288 |
| How to Use Getting Free | 290 |
| Emergency Services | 291 |
| Ending Isolation | 291 |
Chapter 25 | Immigrant Women: Challenges and Solutions | 294 |
| Advocates for Abused Immigrant Women | 294 |
| Assessing Danger | 298 |
| Safety Plan for Staying or Leaving | 298 |
| To Call the Police or Not | 300 |
| When the Police Don't Come: Planning an Emergency Escape | 303 |
| Divorce of Separation from Your Partner: Immigration Status | 304 |
| People's Ideas and Actions Change | 307 |
| Life in the United States | 310 |
Chapter 26 | Religious Challenges | 313 |
| Are You Abused? | 313 |
| Politics and Culture: Religious Interpretations | 315 |
| Consultations: Religious and Domestic-Violence Authorities | 320 |
| Sex Abuse | 324 |
| Divorce | 325 |
| The Urge to Forgive | 326 |
| Communities Protect Victims and Hold Offenders Responsible | 327 |
Section VII | Stopping the Cycle of Abuse | 329 |
Chapter 27 | Men Who Batter: Can They Change? | 331 |
| Why Does He Do It? | 332 |
| Entitlement and Control | 334 |
| Is Change Possible? | 335 |
| Do Programs Work? | 342 |
| How to tell if the Program is Working for Your Partner | 343 |
Chapter 28 | Nurturing Your Children: Safety and Resilience | 348 |
| Safety Whether You Leave or Stay | 348 |
| Children's Visits with Their Father | 352 |
| How Violence Affects Children | 354 |
| Helping Children Who Have Witnessed Violence | 357 |
Chapter 29 | Moving Forward: What Communities Can Do | 362 |
| Danger If You Stay, Danger If You Leave: The Statistics | 362 |
| Bad News Gives Birth to a Movement Against Battering | 364 |
| Medical Costs | 366 |
| Child-Protection Costs | 366 |
| Costs to Business | 367 |
| Moving Forward | 368 |
| Resources | 373 |
| Notes | 375 |
| Suggested Reading | 384 |
| Internet Resources | 391 |
| Tips and Wheels | 401 |
| Index | 413 |