Solve Employee Problems Before They Start: Resolving Conflict in the Real World

ISBN-13: 9781586446291

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: Society For Human Resource Management

Publication Date: 06-21-2019

Pages: 226

Product Dimensions: 5.90(w) x 8.80(h) x 0.60(d)

Scott Warrick has been an employment and labor attorney, HR professional, and professional speaker for more than three decades. His clients range from small privately-held organizations to Fortune 500 companies to governmental institutions. He travels the country presenting seminars on such topics as Employment Law, Resolving Conflict, Diversity, and Generational Differences among other topics.

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CHAPTER 1

Why Emotional Intelligence?

THE WISDOM OF THE DALAI LAMA AND RED FORMAN

Whenever I look to someone for wisdom and guidance, I often think of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, the spiritual leader of the Tibetan people. I then think of the great American philosopher and smartass father Red Forman from That '70s Show.

My favorite quote from the Dalai Lama is: "Bad action gives rise to misery."

I then turn to Red.

In one episode, Red discovers that his son, Eric, has been cheating on his girlfriend, Donna. When Red presses Eric on why he cheated on Donna, Eric says, "Look, it's just that all these things always happen to me. It's like I have bad luck or something." To that, Red replies, "Son, bad things don't happen to you because you have bad luck; they happen to you because you're a dumbass."

Not a day goes by where I am not inspired by Red's sound advice.

For instance, I was thinking about the Dalai Lama and his American counterpart, Red Forman, while having my car washed on a beautiful summer day. I drove down to the local car wash, left my car with the attendant, and went inside to wait while it was being washed. While I was sitting there editing a new training program, a large older man came walking into the office. He was in his mid-60s, about 6'3? tall, had thick gray hair, and was really mad.

Apparently, he had just retired. As a reward to himself for making it all the way to retirement, he bought himself a brand-new Cadillac. It was a beautiful bright red with a cream-colored rag top. It was gorgeous. Earlier that day, however, he had apparently brought his brand-new Cadillac to the car wash and, somewhere in the process, his beautiful new car got scratched.

Now, at this point, you need to ask yourself a very important question: "Does he have a right to be angry?"

Absolutely! They scratched his new Cadillac, a prized and very expensive retirement present. He had every right to be upset and angry. But think about it for a minute: what does the man want to happen now? What does he want the car wash to do about his damaged car? Clearly, he wants the car wash to fix his Cadillac. But remember: "Bad action gives rise to misery," and "Son, bad things don't happen to you because you have bad luck; they happen to you because you're a dumbass."

So, let's see how the man went about getting what he wanted.

Because he was justifiably mad, he clearly felt that he had every right to act however he wanted. He stormed into the car wash and saw the skinny, minimum-wage-earning, red-headed clerk sitting on the other side of the checkout counter. The man instantly started yelling, screaming, and cussing at the little clerk, who was probably no more than 18 years old.

Now, considering the fact that the clerk behind the counter is human and has just been attacked by this massive older man, he naturally became very defensive. It was then his turn. I mean, getting paid minimum wage is just not enough to put up with all this, right?

The clerk instantly started yelling, screaming, and cussing right back at the guy. And, just so he could top the old man, the clerk threw in a few disparaging remarks about the man's mother. Well, with that little dose of gasoline thrown on the fire, the situation ratcheted itself up yet another notch. Now the man really went off into a blind rage. It was bad enough that the car wash scratched his car, but for this clerk to swear back at him was inexcusable.

"I mean, how dare you treat me the way I just treated you!" was basically what the man was saying to the clerk.

It was now this man's turn to up the ante even further. He escalated the situation by pounding his massive fist down onto the clerk's counter, knocking over the little air freshener display. With that, the clerk saw that the man was turning violent. So, he ratcheted up the confrontation one more notch: he called the police. Within a matter of minutes, the police were there. By then, of course, the angry man had put himself into a full-blown tizzy. In fact, he continued to slam his fist against the counter and wave his arms through the air as the police tried to question him.

I promise you, that is never a good idea when the police are trying to talk to you.

The police promptly arrested the older man and took him away.

Now, can't you just see this guy sitting in his jail cell about 30 minutes later, after the excess adrenaline had drained from his body and his heart rate had slowed back down, thinking: "What happened? It's such a nice day. I'm retired. I got up and went to the car wash, and now I am in jail. What happened?" This was clearly a bad situation made worse by an emotional hijacking.

• Did the man have a right to be upset and angry? Yes.

• Was it important for the car wash clerk to know that he was upset, angry, and wanted this situation corrected? Absolutely.

• Did he have a right to scream, cuss, and slam his fist onto the counter? No!

It was at this point that the angry man's emotional system took control over his body and bad things happened. Are emotions a good thing? Is anger a good thing? Absolutely, but can you keep your ego and emotions in balance with your logic while you are engaged and trying to resolve a conflict?

In 349 BC, Aristotle wrote in his book Nicomachean Ethics, "Anyone can get angry — that is easy ... but to do this to the right person, to the right extent, at the right time, with the right motive, and in the right way, that is not for everyone, nor is it easy." This was true over 2,000 years ago and it is still true today.

The man at the car wash had every right to be angry, but was he angry:

• With the right person? No. What could the clerk do for him? Nothing. This was an issue for the owner or manager.

• To the right degree? No way! He went way over the top. It is fine to get angry, but he needed to remain in control. Going Neanderthal on someone you are mad at is never a good idea.

• At the right time? No! He should have been more aware of his rage and come back later. He was not self-aware and lost it, all to his detriment.

• In the right way? No! Yelling, cussing, and hitting the counter in such a violent manner is never a good idea.

• For the right purpose? Yes. His purpose was to get his car fixed, but I also suspect another purpose at work was to make the car wash employee pay emotionally for damaging his car and to show the car wash who was boss. This is clearly an uncontrolled ego and emotional problem.

Logically, the man knew all of this, but he was not acting logically. He had been emotionally hijacked. He had turned himself into a three-year-old child because of his rage. In the end, all the man managed to do was make everything worse for himself. His rage took his logic away and transformed him into a dumbass, as Red would say.

CUSTOMER SERVICE IS EMPLOYEE RELATIONS ... AND VICE VERSA

I often get calls from potential clients who are looking to train their people in customer service skills.

"I know you do that emotional intelligence stuff and that Verbal Jeet thing to deal with employee conflicts, but we are trying to train our customer service people. Do you have anything for customer service people?"

"Sure do," I respond. "I just change the title of emotional intelligence and Verbal Jeet into employee relations and customer service."

I instantly have a new program. Actually, it is so obvious that it evades most of us: employee relations is nothing more than customer service turned inward, and customer service is nothing more than employee relations turned outward. The skills you use to resolve issues with employees are the exact same skills you use to resolve issues with customers, and vice versa. Because most people miss this point, I often have to coach someone who has been bullying their employees or coworkers. I always ask the person, "Would you talk to a client like that?"

The answer I always get is, "Of course not."

"Why not?" I then ask.

The bully usually just smiles and says something like, "Because it is a customer. Our customers keep us in business."

"Then what makes you think you can talk to an employee like that? Employees make up the biggest part of your budget. Once you include employee wages, benefits, taxes, workers' compensation, mileage, cell phones, training, certifications, and anything else that goes into the hiring and retention of employees, few other things even come close. And more than that, who do you think does the actual work around here? Who do you think actually executes your strategic plans?" I ask.

The person thinks for a minute.

I always ask the person, "What do you think we would do to an employee who goes up to a $10,000 copier and kicks all the gears into pieces because it jammed?"

"We'd fire the person. That's an easy one," the person always responds.

"Then what makes you think we would ever let you do that to a $30,000-per-year employee, much less someone who is going to help us reach our goals? And by the way, copiers don't sue you ... and they don't come back and shoot at you either," I will remind them.

I then explain that if they went to work for FedEx as a new customer service representative, they would be required to go through its in-house training program. They would learn how to use a system very similar to Verbal Jeet (EPR = Empathic Listening, Parroting, and "Rewards") in order to more effectively defuse difficult situations with customers. They would train these new employees in how to keep their cool and not panic (Emotional Intelligence), how important it is to let the customer "sound off" (Empathic Listening) and to understand where the customer is coming from ... even when the customer is wrong. Of course, these same skills are to be used with employees, not just with customers. If every organization's culture made it clear that employees are to be treated like customers, most of our conflicts would be resolved and not escalated. Therefore, it is important to remember that learning emotional intelligence, or how to better control your ego and emotions, and how to use the three "Kill Strikes" of Verbal Jeet (EPR = Empathic Listening, Parroting, and "Rewards") are life skills, not just work skills. Whenever you find yourself in a conflict, you need to gain control of yourself (EI) and use your Verbal Jeet.

It will change your life.

GETTING TO FIRST BASE

I have never met anyone who wakes up in the morning thinking, "I really want to screw up my life today. Things are going just a little too good for me right now, so I want to see if I can get fired, divorced, or maybe get arrested. That would be great." Still, millions of people do just that every day of their lives. They cannot control their egos and emotions, so they defy the wise advice of the Dalai Lama and Red Forman. In the end, they think they have bad luck or that the world is against them, but in reality, they did it to themselves. Likewise, every organization in existence has said that it wants to build a championship team. Amazingly, it will try to do that with emotional children and then wonder why nothing worked.

Whenever I see someone trying to reach their goals with emotional children, I always think of the movie Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. In one scene, Butch and Sundance are hired to work as payroll security guards by Percy Garris. As they are all riding into town together to get the payroll, Butch and Sundance hang back, moving very slowly. Out of frustration, Garris turns and asks them what they think they're doing. Butch explains that they are trying to spot a potential ambush by Bolivian bandits. Garris is disgusted. He just stares at them and mutters his famous line: "Morons. I've got morons on my team."

Garris then explains that because they do not have any money going down the mountain, there is no chance of them getting robbed. No one is going to rob them if they don't have any money. They only have to worry once they have the money going back up the mountain.

Things will never end well for you if you are an emotional child or if you have emotional children on your team. You cannot be successful with morons on your team. Building a successful organization, or a championship team, begins with emotional intelligence. If you have emotional children or morons on your team, they either have to raise their level of EI or leave. It is that simple.

A great way to think of building a championship team is to think of baseball. In order to score, you have to get to first base, after all. In this case, getting to first base is becoming an emotionally intelligent person. Of course, getting to first base is easier said than done. Pete Rose, Major League Baseball's greatest "Hit King" of all time, accumulated an astonishing 4,256 career base hits and a .303 lifetime batting average. Think about that. The man who hit his way on base more than anyone else in professional baseball failed 70 percent of the time. Getting to first base and becoming an emotionally intelligent person by controlling our emotions and egos is the hardest thing most of us will ever do — and it is something none of us will ever perfect.

However, once you get to first base, you need to make it to second base, which means you now need to be able to resolve conflict by becoming a Verbal Jeet black belt. You don't want to be an "Attacker" (fight) and escalate the situation. One could think of Simon Cowell or the big guy at the car wash who thought it was a good idea to scream and yell at the little clerk, and later scream and yell his side of the story to the cops. These are the "I tell it like it is" people of the world, and it almost never ends well for them. On the other hand, you also don't want to be a passive-aggressive "Retreater" (flight) and suppress the conflict. Suppressing conflict only allows it to grow and eventually kill the relationship. Retreaters smile to your face, and then stab you in the back.

One of the most famous Retreaters of all time was Aunt Bee from The Andy Griffith Show. Yes, she smiled a lot and looked like a really nice old lady, but as soon as you turned your back, she would sit at the kitchen table with her friend, Clara, and stab you in the back.

Again, walking into a conflict and not running away takes emotional intelligence and self-control. You need to have the emotional intelligence to neither run away nor attack the other person if you want to be able to use your Verbal Jeet "Kill Strikes" to resolve the conflict.

This is no small feat.

However, once you have made it to first base, which means you can control your ego and emotions, you can now move onto second base, which means you can now use your Verbal Jeet "Kill Strikes" (EPR = Empathic Listening, Parroting, and "Rewards") to address and resolve conflict. Then, of course, you want to make it to third base and build trust with others.

What is "trust"? Trust means that the other person knows it is safe to disagree with you. You cannot tell someone to trust you. It must be built. It must be earned. You build trust with someone by proving to them that it is okay to disagree with you. Every conflict situation is really an opportunity to build trust, which means you are proving to the other person that you will not attack him or her for disagreeing with you, and you will not stab that person in the back later.

Proving that it is safe to disagree with you builds trust because the other person can reflect on their past experiences with you and know that it is okay to disagree with you, challenge your opinions, or come to you for help. It is safe.

That is what we mean when we say, "Trust must be earned." Real trust is built through conflict, not through agreement. No one believes anything you say. They watch what you do. In other words, the only time you build real trust with another person is when you are in conflict. We all can think of someone we have known for decades but feel like we don't know if we can really trust them. Why? Because we don't really know if it is safe to disagree with them.

Therefore, conflict is a vital part of building trusting relationships because it is the only time you have the opportunity to show that it is okay to disagree with you. This is how you make it to third base and build real trust with other people. Of course, you have to first be an emotionally intelligent person. You must then use your Verbal Jeet Skills and prove to the other person that it is safe to be honest with you and disagree with you.

And finally, because they don't give you any runs for just making it to third base, you now want to make it home. This is when you reach your ultimate goal: scoring. When you "make it home" and finally score, it means that everyone knows what the organization's strategic goals are and that everyone is working towards attaining those goals. Of course, the hardest part of this process is making it to first base (emotional intelligence) and then getting to second base (using your Verbal Jeet Skills). That is why this book will focus on getting to first base and then making it to second.

In short, the ability to control yourself and how you approach the person to address and resolve conflict is the most important life skill you will ever master ... both professionally and personally. It will determine how happy you are in all of your relationships. In fact, it is so important in organizations that it is the number one skill managers must master.

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Excerpted from "Solve Employee Problems Before They Start"
by .
Copyright © 2019 Scott Warrick.
Excerpted by permission of Society for Human Resource Management.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Foreword vii

Introduction ix

Chapter 1 Why Emotional Intelligence? 1

Chapter 2 Neurology of Emotional Intelligence 21

Chapter 3 The Godfather Effect 49

Chapter 4 What Are Verbal Jeet "Kill Strikes"? 91

Chapter 5 The Three Styles of Communication 97

Chapter 6 Kill Strike #1 = EPR: Empathic Listening 131

Chapter 7 Kill Strike #2 = EPR: Parroting 145

Chapter 8 Kill Strike #3 = EPR: "Rewards" 153

Chapter 9 The Verbal Jeet Coaching Process 163

Endnotes 189

Bibliography 193

Index 197

About the Author 205

Other SHRM Titles 207

Books Approved for SHRM Recertification Credits 209