Table of Contents
Introduction: Thriving in Nonmonogamy 10
Chapter 1 What Is Consensual Nonmonogamy? 14
Defining CNM Relationships 16
Is CNM a Natural Human Tendency? 20
Reasons for Opening a Relationship 23
Benefits of CNM 24
Understanding Love in an Open Relationship 29
Exercise: Love Awareness 31
Chapter 2 Preparing Yourself for an Open Relationship
Self-Love, Self-Acceptance, and Self-Worth 36
Healing the Inner Child 39
Staying True to Yourself 42
Creating Yourself 43
Cultivating Resilience 45
Your Relationship Does Not Define You 46
Exercise: Stating Your Truths 48
Resistance to Change 48
Exercise: Face Your Fears 50
Chapter 3 Starting a CNM Relationship 52
Swimming in the River with Crocodiles 54
Broaching the Subject of an Open Relationship 55
Planning for the Conversation 56
Having the Conversation 59
The New Monogamous Agreement 61
Establishing Safe Boundaries 64
Communication Skills 68
How to Establish Emotional Safety 71
Understanding Conflict and Building a Secure Bond 73
Strategies for Moving into the "Secure Neighborhood" 79
Therapeutic Process in an Open Relationship 80
The Gift of Vulnerability 82
The Role of a Supportive Partner 84
Chapter 4 Cultivating Healthy Habits within CNM Relationships 86
Building Confidence 88
Developing Mental Strength and Grit 91
Exercise: Pull the Weeds and Water the Plants 92
Overcoming Negative Habits 94
Adopting Positive Habits 95
Practicing Self-Care 97
Experiencing Compersion 98
Exercise: Resilience Affirmation 100
Chapter 5 Sex in a CNM Relationship
Tips for Keeping Things Interesting within Your Primary Relationship 104
Incorporating Novelty into Your Relationship 106
Sexual Fluidity 109
The Swingers' House Party 109
Exercise: The Kinsey Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale 110
Exercise: Sexual Turn-Ons and Turn-Offs 112
Chapter 6 Common Issues in CNM Relationships 116
The Root Cause of My Jealousy 118
The Green-Eyed Monster 121
Retroactive Jealousy 124
Exercise: Jealousy Awareness 124
The Roller Coaster of Emotions 127
The Costs of an Open Relationship 130
Introducing Your Dates to Your Primary Partner 133
Meeting Your Partner's New Partners 135
Setting Boundaries with New Partners 140
Dealing with Infidelity in a CNM Relationship 141
Emotional Injury 142
Navigating Race and Ethnicity 145
Exercise: Becoming Aware of Racial Bias 146
Racial Fetishism 149
How to Recognize Abuse 151
Breaking Up with a Partner 152
Chapter 7 Sharing Your CNM Relationship with the World 158
Coming Out to Friends and Family 160
Coming Out in the NewYork Times Magazine 162
How to Cope with the Stigma of a CNM Relationship 164
Benefits and Risks of Coming Out to Children 169
Raising Children in an Open Relationship 172
Conclusion: The Advantages and Rewards of CNM 174
Acknowledgements 178
Bibliography 179
Endnotes 182
