The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage

Michele Weiner-Davis offers an empowering and encouraging guide for revitalizing marriage and building stronger, more loving bonds.

Michele Weiner-Davis goes beyond her marriage-saving bestseller, Divorce Busting, with this empowering and encouraging guide for revitalizing marriage and building stronger, more loving bonds. In a down-to-earth style that is free of psychobabble, Weiner-Davis outlines a realistic, solution-oriented seven-step program for managing marital problems, which, when left unchecked, can drain the life out of a relationship. Using revealing anecdotes and in-depth case studies, she illustrates practical ways for marriage partners to

-avoid the “divorce trap”
-identify specific marriage-saving goals
-move beyond ineffective, hurtful ways of interacting
-become an expert on “doing what works”
-overcome infidelity, Internet obsessions, depression, sexual problems, and midlife crises
-get your marriage back on track—and keep it there

Rescue your marriage with the proven techniques of The Divorce Remedy—sound, sensible advice from a renowned relationship expert!

ISBN-13: 9780684873251

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: Simon & Schuster

Publication Date: 09-04-2002

Pages: 320

Product Dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.44(h) x 0.90(d)

Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, is an internationally renowned relationship expert and author of several books including The Divorce Remedy, the bestselling Divorce Busting, A Woman's Guide to Changing Her Man, Change Your Life and Everyone in It, and In Search of Solutions. She has appeared as a regular guest on Oprah, 48 Hours, The Today Show, CBS This Morning, and taped a seminar on PBS entitled Keeping Love Alive. A therapist in private practice specializing in Solution-Oriented Brief Therapy, her highly-acclaimed workshops have earned her national recognition. She lives in Illinois with her husband of over thirty years.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One: The Not-So-Great Escape

People who are unhappy in their marriages often speak of feeling trapped. They yearn to be free from the tension, loneliness, constant arguments, or deafening silence but worry that divorce may not be the right decision. After all, they took their marital vows seriously. They're not trying to hurt their spouses. They don't want to hurt their children. They panic at the thought of being alone. They worry about finances. They fear the unknown.

Yet the idea of living in a loveless marriage starts to feel like a death sentence. Over time, many of these people slowly convince themselves that the benefits of leaving their marriages vastly outweigh the benefits of staying. They tell themselves, "Kids are resilient, they'll bounce back," or "In the long run, this will be better for everyone." It's not until they embark on the path to divorce and begin to piece their lives back together that they discover the real price they paid for their so-called "freedom." Regretfully, this painful discovery comes too late. They have fallen into the divorce trap.

Dear Michele,

I was married for eighteen years and we have three terrific children. I instigated a divorce. It was final six months ago. Now, I am having second thoughts.

I never imagined that I would feel this way because, for years, I was so miserable in my marriage. I thought that once I got out, we all would be better off. At first, it was a relief to get away from all the arguing. However, I could not anticipate how quickly the feelings of relief would turn to pain. The look on my children's faces when they talk to their dad on the phone or when they come back from weekend visits has been more than I can bear.

What surprises me the most though is the fact that I find myself thinking about my ex all the time. He is far from perfect, but I now realize I could have made more of an effort to learn how to deal with the things that irritated or hurt me. Now I am haunted by the fact that my divorce destroyed not only a marriage but a family.

Joan

Dear Michele,

I feel like a fool writing to you, but I don't know where else to turn. After twenty-four years of marriage, I told my wife I wanted a divorce. I had been pretty unhappy in our marriage for a long time. Our sex drives were totally incompatible. Whenever I approached her, she never seemed to be in the mood. At first I thought I was doing something wrong, but after a while I got sick of all of her excuses.

Then I met a younger woman at work who respected me and seemed attracted to me. Although I never thought I would be the kind of guy who would have an affair, after spending hours together working on late night projects, the temptation just became too great. Although my wife suspected something, I kept my affair secret.

Eventually, I realized I couldn't live this lie any longer, so I filed for divorce. My wife was devastated. She begged me to stay. She tried to explain away my feelings — insisting that I was in the midst of a midlife crisis or that I was depressed. Still, I couldn't wait to get out on my own. I knew the kids would survive and I believed our marriage had died long ago.

The divorce became final a year ago during which time I have made some painful discoveries. It didn't take long before I lost my infatuation with the other woman. I started missing my wife. But she has made a whole new life for herself and I am not part of it.

dIf you have any suggestions, I will be forever grateful.

Mark

Mark and Joan are not alone. The divorce trap seduces over one million people each year. It promises peace and tranquility. It offers a fresh start, a second chance at romance, contentment, and self-discovery. It lures people into thinking that by walking out the door they can eliminate life's seemingly insurmountable problems. When you're desperately unhappy, these so-called guarantees are hard to resist. But there are good reasons for doing so. If you or someone you love is contemplating divorce, you will want to know what I have learned about the truth about divorce.

In my work, I've had a bird's eye view of what happens in people's lives after divorce. I have seen the intense pain and despair that linger for years. I have seen times when every birthday, holiday, or other causes for celebration have been nothing more but painful reminders of a divorce. I have seen the triggering of unpredictable, hurtful events such as the total rejection by the children of the parent seeking the divorce. I have known children who, even many years after the divorce and their parents' subsequent remarriages, still want to know if Mom and Dad will ever get back together.

Now, after three decades of our social experiment with rampant divorce and disposable marriages, I know it isn't a matter of people keeping their marriages together because they can, it's a matter of people making their marriages work because they should. Divorce stinks! Why? Recent findings about the long-term effects of divorce speak for themselves.

• Except in very extreme conflict-ridden families — and most families do not fit this criterion — children are better off when their parents stay married.
• Children are more likely to finish school and avoid problems such as teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, and delinquent behavior. Plus, they are more likely to have good marriages themselves.
• Even if a parent is happier as a result of divorce, there is no "trickle down effect." Children still struggle emotionally regardless of how the parent feels.
• Married men make better fathers. They are more likely to provide guidance, role modeling, and financial support.
• Marriage is good for most adults. As compared to single, widowed, or divorced people, married people are healthier, have better sex lives, engage in fewer high-risk activities such as substance abuse, live longer, and are happier!
• Depression is almost three times as prevalent in women who divorce once, and four times as prevalent in women who divorce twice than in women who have never divorced.
• A random sample of over 8,600 adults revealed the percentages of those who felt lonely. The results are as follows. Marital status and percent reporting loneliness:
  Married — 4.6
  
  Never Married — 14.5
  
  Divorced — 20.4
  
  Widowed — 20.6
  
  Separated — 29.6 (Page and Cole)
• Those in healthy marriages tend to be better, more productive employees. Married men miss work less often.
• Divorce increases the cost of many public health and social service programs. Single-parent households often mean children are raised in poverty or on public aid.
• A single mother's standard of living almost always decreases significantly after divorce.
• As compared to 50 percent of first marriages that end in divorce, 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce.
  

Many people considering divorce say they wish they could have a crystal ball that would allow them to see into the future. Actually, the crystal ball is here for the taking. Research has enabled us to be "clairvoyant." But many people choose to ignore or discount the facts because they've been hoodwinked into believing that divorce provides answers to an unhappy marriage. But how are myths about divorce being perpetuated?

The divorce trap is a powerful conspiracy that is invisible to the naked eye. Like carbon monoxide, the odorless killer, the divorce trap is an insidious influence, invading your thoughts without your knowing it. What are the forces behind the divorce trap?

WELL-MEANING FRIENDS AND FAMILY

Oddly enough, some of the people nearest and dearest to you are part of the problem. This is not to say that they don't have your best interests at heart. They do. They love you. They can't stand to see you in pain. More than anyone, they know you and know how much you deserve happiness in your life. Their caring is genuine. Why then do I say that your loved ones can be misdirecting you?

The Biased Shoulder

When you share your unhappiness with loved ones, what they hear is your side of the story, and your side only. Even though your feelings about your spouse and marriage are valid, they are, nonetheless, biased. Needless to say, if your spouse were in on the conversation, the story about your marriage would take a not-so-slight different turn. But the people who love you don't care about objectivity; they want you to feel better. Although this makes perfect sense, the end result is that the people in whom you are confiding offer potentially life-changing advice without a complete set of facts. If you follow that advice, you may create an even bigger rift in your marriage. Let me give you an example of how this works.

Sue was miserable in her marriage; she felt that she and her husband, Jeff, had completely grown apart. Sue decided to talk to her sister, Ann, about her predicament. Sue told Ann that she was really upset about how things had changed in her marriage. When she and Jeff got married, she explained, they were crazy about each other. They did everything together, spent hours talking, weekends doing fun things, and sex was great. They were best friends. As Sue recalled these memories, she cried. Seeing Sue in such pain, her sister's heart went out to her. Ann asked Sue to tell her more about what had been troubling her. Through her tears, Sue filled in the blanks.

She said that Jeff had turned into a completely different man from the one she married. He worked long hours and when he was home, he showed little interest in talking to her or in being with her. On weekends, he occupied himself with projects or watching sports on television. When Sue approached Jeff about her feelings, Jeff responded coldly, "Why are you always hassling me?" Sue tried to get through to Jeff and tell him how much his distance was hurting her, but Jeff seemed to withdraw even more.

Jeff's insensitivity to her feelings made Sue angry and hurt. She stopped doing thoughtful things for him, trying to engage him in conversation, and even refused his advances to be intimate. Now, instead of just being distant, Jeff had become critical and unpleasant, never passing up an opportunity to say or do something to hurt Sue's feelings. Sue couldn't understand why Jeff had become such a "jerk," especially since all she wanted was a closer relationship.

Upon hearing Sue's rendition of their marital interactions, Ann immediately came to her defense. "I can't believe he's acting this way! This isn't the same Jeff I used to know. What do you think is going on with him?" For the next half hour, they speculated about the possible causes of Jeff's ugly behavior — an affair, depression, a midlife crisis, or perhaps just bad genes from his father. Although they were uncertain as to the real reason Jeff had transformed into the unlikable man Sue had portrayed him to be, they agreed that Jeff was to blame for Sue's unhappiness. Ann consoled Sue. She hugged her and told her that she "would be there for her anytime she was needed." Ann also offered a few suggestions — counseling, giving Jeff an ultimatum, a trial separation — and Sue said she would consider her ideas. Sue thanked Ann for her support and understanding. She felt so much better.

Sue did follow through with Ann's suggestion to give Jeff an ultimatum. "Either you change, or I'm leaving," she warned him. But Jeff became even colder. In the weeks that followed, Sue regularly sought comfort in Ann's company. Sue complained, Ann commiserated. Although Sue felt validated by Ann's feedback, it did little in the way of helping her find solutions to her marital problems. As time passed and nothing improved, Sue's despair grew, as did Ann's determination to encourage her sister to leave her marriage. "You've tried everything," Ann told her. "It's time to throw in the towel."

It's easy to see how Ann arrived at this conclusion. Sue appears to be the spouse who is working on the marriage while Jeff is the inconsiderate, unloving one. But now let's eavesdrop on Jeff's conversations with his lifelong buddy, John. Jeff is a very private person and, though he rarely opens up with friends and family, his unhappiness with Sue prompted him to discuss his marriage with John.

He told John that he was frustrated and angry at Sue. All she ever did was nag. Nothing he did ever seemed good enough. She asked for help in the kitchen and when he cleaned it, the only comment he heard was, "I can't believe the way you loaded the dishwasher, it's so sloppy," or "You forgot to wipe off the counters." All Jeff heard was criticism, never appreciation. So, after a while he just stopped trying.

A married man himself, John knew that relationship problems didn't happen overnight, so he asked about the circumstances leading up to their current situation. Jeff felt that Sue had bailed out on him as a partner long ago. "When we met, she was fun to be with. We went to sporting events, out to dinner, we socialized with friends, and had common interests. We golfed, played tennis, and biked all the time. We both loved the outdoors." But Sue stopped showing interest in their activities together. She seemed more interested in her job, church activities, friends, talking on the phone, and going shopping. Sometimes she would stay on the phone with her girlfriends or her mother the entire evening! "But the biggest change in Sue," Jeff said, "is that she never wants to have sex, and it's been that way for a very long time. That definitely bothers me the most."

Jeff went on to explain how hurt and angry he felt because of Sue's constant rejection. "I don't know what's with her. Sue used to love sex. I always prided myself about how connected we were physically. But now she's never in the mood. She's got a headache, she's mad at me, she's too busy, it's the wrong time of month...He told John that Sue's cold shoulder had taken its toll. He admitted to being irritable and snapping at Sue fairly often. He was hoping that at some point Sue, the woman who used to be his best friend and lover, would, just once, reach out to him and be affectionate. Instead, all he ever got was criticism.

After hearing Jeff's dilemma, John said, "Sounds really tough. I heard about some women with hormone imbalances losing interest in sex. You ought to check it out." Then he suggested that Jeff do something to spice his sex life up a bit. "Get a bottle of wine, buy a sexy nightgown, and make her a candlelight dinner. Stay at a nice hotel next weekend. Tell her you want to be closer physically."

A few days later, Jeff approached Sue with the idea of a little romantic weekend getaway. Sue didn't seem too interested. Jeff made a comment about not being intimate anymore and Sue snapped, "Of course we're not intimate! You don't expect me to want to have sex with you when our relationship stinks, do you?" Jeff replied, "Have you ever thought about the fact that our relationship stinks because you don't want to have sex anymore?" This chicken-or-egg argument played like a broken record for weeks before the couple decided to split.

Imagine how Ann or John might have reacted differently had they heard "the whole story." Ann might have realized that Jeff wasn't the villain Sue made him out to be; that he was feeling rejected and hurt. With this in mind, Ann might have suggested that Sue do things that would help Jeff feel more connected to her such as go biking or hiking together, or being more playful and affectionate. There's no question that Jeff wasn't handling his hurt feelings in the best way, but unfortunately, instead of sharing openly about their feelings of vulnerability, some people lash out. Since Ann was totally in the dark about Jeff's feelings about the marriage, her suggestion — give him an ultimatum — was bound to fail.

Had John heard Sue's side of things, he might have understood that for Sue the prerequisite for being close physically is emotional closeness and that Sue and Jeff had not been close for some time. He might have suggested that Jeff spend more time talking and paying attention to her, and being her friend. It's easy to see how John's well-meaning advice to spice up their sex life fell flat on its face.

Protectors and Rescuers

Another reason friends and family can increase the odds you will be divorce-bound is that, because they can't bear to see you in pain, they will steer you to what they think is the quickest escape from the emotional torture. They convince themselves and then you that since your spouse is the problem, you should get rid of him or her. "You don't deserve this. Just get out."

But you need to be aware of a couple of things when you listen to this advice. First of all, although your friends and family care about you, their advice is also self-serving. It will make them feel better if you aren't so sad. It will be a relief for them when you stop feeling so torn. They want an end to this unhappiness. The problem is, if you follow their advice and make them feel better, you'll be divorced and supporting yourself (and your kids), changing your lifestyle, and starting all over, they won't. Even if your loved ones are divorced themselves and believe that their divorce has improved their lives dramatically, it doesn't mean that you will feel this way too.

Second, although it might be tempting to believe that divorce will free you of your spouse, when children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce. Your spouse will be in your life forever. And I mean forever. You'll be in constant communication about visitation, decisions about your children's welfare, holidays, money, vacations, issues pertaining to the relationship between the children and new male or female friends/marital partners. The list is endless.

One woman wrote me,

I've been divorced for twenty-three years. I realized that my ex and I would be in touch weekly because of our kids, but I guess I thought that when the kids got older, he would just disappear from my life. My grown daughter is about to give birth next week and for the first time, I realized that my ex and I are going to be "the grandparents" together. What was I thinking? Spouses don't disappear.

Spouses don't disappear with a divorce, and neither do your problems. Although a person may be hard to get along with, the truth is, when you're experiencing marital problems, it's almost always the result of how two people interact. In other words, two people develop relationship habits, and if you leave, you take your habits with you when you go. Let me give you an example.

Deb and Ron had a great marriage in the early years. Deb admired and respected Ron's decisiveness and take-charge personality. But as years passed, Ron's tendency to tell Deb what to do and how to do it left her feeling less enamored of his so-called take-charge personality. Now, she thought he was overbearing and dominating.

At first, she tried to tell him to stop being so controlling, but he defended his actions and brushed her feelings aside. Deb kept her resentments and bitterness inside. She walked around most days being furious at him, without his even knowing it. Over time, she could no longer stand the bottled-up anger and filed for divorce. After all, she thought, if I get rid of this controlling man, I will be able to find myself again and make my own decisions. After a long, drawn-out battle, they finally divorced.

The problem is, by thinking that Ron was the sole cause of their marital breakdown, Deb was blind to the ways in which her own behavior contributed to their problems. Let's assume that Deb's perception of Ron is accurate and she tried to get Ron to back off. When her requests fell on deaf ears, however, instead of trying a new and more dynamic approach, Deb backed down and did nothing. The more Deb did nothing, the more Ron took over. In a sense, Deb created her monster.

And the sad part about all this is, when Deb divorces Ron, she will feel relieved momentarily to be free of his presence, but if and when she remarries, she will enter her new relationship unenlightened about how to deal with the differences that naturally occur between any two people. That's because she ran away from her relationship problems rather than solved or learned from them. And since she failed to see her role in the demise of their relationship, she is destined to make one of two common mistakes.

The first is to marry someone similar to Ron and re-create the exact same problems. The second is to fool herself into thinking marriage will be infinitely easier if she marries someone who is totally different from Ron. And that's what Deb did. She purposely sought out a man who was gentle and laid back. At first, it felt like her life's dream. She didn't have to walk on eggshells because no one was looking over her shoulder. She didn't have to be afraid to voice her feelings because her husband would listen rather than criticize. She felt she could be herself for the first time in years.

Time passed and now Deb felt that her laid-back, gentle man was wimpy and unmotivated. He made less money than her first husband. He wasn't overly ambitious. She disliked that she now had to help him support the children financially. When she asked him what he wanted to do on weekends, he always said, "I don't care, it's up to you." Although she used to appreciate his easy-going attitude, now she was frustrated by his indecisiveness. When she talked to him about her feelings, he got emotional and cried. Deb wanted to avoid feeling controlled in her life, but this was more than she bargained for. Rather than find productive ways to get through to her husband and get more of her needs met, Deb found herself thinking about divorce once again. And as before, she reassured herself that the problems in her marriage had nothing to do with her.

The obvious lesson here is that when a marriage fails, no matter how tempting it might be to put all the blame on one spouse's shoulders, both spouses have contributed to its downfall. I know that. But your friends and family don't know that. They just see your spouse's shortcomings.

Look, we all need people on our side, people who will stand by us, no matter what. But before you are too quick to heed the advice of your personal fans, you must remember this. Their opinions are biased. They can't always see the forest for the trees. If you leave conversations feeling supported but solutionless, be wary. You might be in the midst of being initiated into the divorce trap's steering committee.

WELL-MEANING THERAPISTS

Often people recognize that friends and family can be biased and, for that reason, decide to seek professional help for their marriage. Unfortunately, going to a therapist when you are having marital problems doesn't guarantee you will leave with your marriage intact. Some therapists see divorce as a challenging, yet viable solution to marriage's many problems. They appreciate the impact of divorce on children, but they prefer to focus on children's resiliency and their ability to adjust. Although they might initially try to help couples move beyond their differences, if the path to solution is rocky, they are quick to suggest calling it quits. They see divorce as a rite of passage. But why?

To begin with, you need to know that, first and foremost, therapists are people. No matter how well trained they may be, it's impossible for therapists to check their personal values, morals, and perspectives at the door at the start of a therapy session.

A therapist's views about marriage are influenced by many things, including the quality of his/her own parents' marriage. For example, if the therapist's parents had a highly combative marriage and made no attempt to improve things, making it miserable for the kids, the therapist might believe that people are better off divorcing when there is tension and steer the sessions in that direction. If a therapist's father had affairs and the therapist observed the hurt that it caused in the family, he might believe that marriages cannot heal after infidelity. If a therapist grew up with two parents who calmly talked things out when there was trouble, and if you and your mate have a more hotheaded problem-solving style, she might believe that you are incompatible and suggest you separate when research shows that many hotheaded couples manage to solve problems just as well as those who are more controlled. If, in growing up, a therapist had a really stormy relationship with her father, it's possible that she might have negative feelings about men and continually side with the woman in the couple. This sort of bias is likely to result in resistance on the part of the man (who feels outnumbered), or in his dropping out of therapy, neither of which bodes well for the marriage. In short, therapists can't separate who they are from what they do.

The same is true for me. Do you remember what I told you about the impact of my parents' divorce on my own marriage and in my work with couples? It made me a true believer in the sanctity of marriage. How does this pro-marriage bias affect what I do when I work with people?

For starters, each time I meet a person or couple and hear about their marriage problems, my default position is, "This marriage can be saved." Obviously, I am not always right and some marriages do end in divorce, but my positive attitude has served my clients well. Most couples stay together and find renewed happiness with each other.

I don't panic or become discouraged when I hear people's doubts about their marriages or when I'm told about complicated marital problems. I've worked with people who have had multiple affairs, a divorce in the works, months of separation, a loss of love and/or lust — and, in the eleventh hour — were able to fall back in love. I mean, really fall back in love. So, as I've said before, problems aren't roadblocks, just bumps in the road.

Contrast this "Never say die" philosophy with the approach many other therapists take with couples. Many therapists assess the viability of people's marriages based on the types of problems they are having, the severity of these problems, how long they have lasted, and how optimistic both partners are about the possibility for change. If the problems are long-standing or if one partner expresses intense doubt about the marriage, the therapist becomes pessimistic, starts to doubt that the marriage can be saved, and begins to work toward separation.

I, on the other hand, completely understand why people feel pessimistic. Anyone who has suffered in a marriage over a long period of time will, by definition, feel despondent. I see the hopelessness as a normal reaction to a painful situation rather than a sign about the marriage's future. I proceed with the knowledge that, once we find workable solutions, the hopelessness will vanish. Hopelessness doesn't derail me.

Too many therapists give people the message that divorce is a reasonable solution when hopelessness exists. How? For example, people often go to therapists for affirmation that getting out is the right thing to do. They feel really torn and they are looking for that "expert opinion." Some people even ask their therapist outright, "Don't you think I've tried everything?" "Do you think my marriage is over?" The truth is no matter how many degrees a therapist might have, or how smart s/he might be, there is absolutely no way for a therapist to know when a marriage has reached a dead end.

But this doesn't stop many therapists from acting as if they have a crystal ball. They say, "If your husband won't attend therapy, it means he's not committed to your marriage and nothing you do will make a difference," or "It seems as if your wife has lost feeling for you, why don't you just get on with your life?" or "As long as your husband is having an affair, you might as well assume your marriage isn't going to survive," or "Why are you hanging on to this marriage? Your wife has already filed for divorce?" Although these predicaments make marital repair more challenging, none of them is, by any means, a marital death sentence. Telling people that their marriage is doomed is, in my opinion, fortune-telling at best and unethical at worst.

Besides therapists' personal experiences, there are other reasons they might not be advocates for marriage. Their professional training may stand in the way. Although it may seem strange, the whole premise upon which traditional therapy is based may not be conducive to helping people work out problems when the going gets tough. For instance, therapists are trained to encourage people to pursue the parts of their lives that will bring personal happiness and satisfaction, even if these goals are at odds with what's best for the marriage, the children, or even the individual in question in the long run. The therapist wants you to feel good and do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I once saw a couple on the verge of divorce — thanks to a therapist the man had seen. The wife and child had moved back to their hometown, several thousand miles from their current home, in order to receive family support for their disabled child. Because they were having a hard time selling their home, the husband decided to remain with the home until it was sold. During the time they were separated, he had a great deal of freedom. He had no day-to-day responsibilities as a husband or father. He