There's No Manual: Honest and Gory Wisdom About Having a Baby

ISBN-13: 9780525534358

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group

Publication Date: 02-04-2020

Pages: 272

Product Dimensions: 6.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.80(d)

Beth Newell is the co-founder and editor of the satirical women's magazine, Reductress. She co-authored the book How to Win at Feminism and co-created "The Reductress Minute" and "Mouth Time" podcasts. Her work has been featured in The Onion, McSweeney's, and The New Yorker. She hosts the podcast "We Knows Parenting" with her husband, Peter McNerney. Beth was named by Rolling Stone as one of the "50 Funniest People Right Now" and as one of Time magazine's "23 People Who Are Changing What's Funny Right Now." She gave birth to her daughter in the back seat of a Honda Fit. Jackie Ann Ruiz is a writer, illustrator, mother, and performer. A native New Yorker, she co-hosted the podcast "Best Friends, However" with Eliot Glazer and performed at BAM and UCB before relocating to Richmond, Virginia with her family. Jackie is a resident artist at Studio Two Three in Richmond, where she works on commissioned illustration projects and is developing a coloring book for disgruntled women. Once an editor for a men's lifestyle website covering topics such as BLUE BALLS REALLY IS A THING, Jackie is now an out-of-the-closet feminist who is thrilled to be using her platform as a writer and illustrator to describe the harrowing and transcendent experience of pregnancy, labor, and motherhood, which changed her life in the best and worst of ways. Plus, she got to draw a lot of vaginas on her iPad. By the time you read this, she will be happily divorced.

Table of Contents

Introduction: So You're Making a Person 1

A Brief History of Birth Until Now 4

Section 1 When a Baby is in You

Weird Symptoms that Might Mean You're Pregnant 8

Holy Shit, This Is Happening! 12

When Your Little One Is an Oopsie 15

Hiding It 17

A "Healthy" Pregnancy 18

Ob-gyns versus Midwives: Which One Is Just the Worst? 26

Weird Things that Happen to You at the Doctor Now that You're Pregnant 32

Somebody Help Me! There's a Baby in My Body! 34

Weird Second-Trimester Pregnancy Symptoms 37

Love That Bump, Girl 45

Making Your Pregnancy Known 49

Ugh, Maternity "Fashion" 51

Weird Third-Trimester Pregnancy Symptoms 59

Baby Showers! 65

When You Want to Scream 73

Getting Your Body Ready for Birth 76

Pregnancy and Birth Terms that It's Time to Retire 80

Section 2 Your Birth "Plan"

How to Plan the Perfect Birth for Your Baby to Ruin 84

Home Birth: So You've Decided to Shit in a Pool 88

When You Need All the Drugs 95

Trying to Stay Off the Drugs 101

Let's Talk About C-Sections 110

Your Live Studio Audience 114

Waiting It Out: When Your Giant, Rude Baby Is a Procrastinator 120

The Many Vague Signs of Labor 123

Section 3 Oh God, It's Coming Out Now

The Start, Stop, Wait 126

The Weirdness of Labor 130

Okay, So Now the Baby Is Outside of You 138

Happy Birthday, Body Destroyer! 145

Your Birth Recovery Plan 154

Nope, You Don't Have to Let Them Visit 161

Section 4 Life: The Fourth Trimester

Babies, They're Just Like Us! 164

There's No Wrong Way to Feed a Baby 169

Oh, That's What These Boobs Are For! A Guide to Breastfeeding 174

Formula Is Also Food! 189

Sleep: The Elusive White Whale 191

Weird Post-Pregnancy Body Stuff 197

More Crying! 203

Your Baby-Care Cheat Sheet 208

Your Growing Baby 212

Cutting the BS Out of Your Life Post-Baby 216

Dealing with "That's Not How We Did It" 219

Emotional Labor Union Welcome Guide 222

How to Not Hate Your Partner 225

Will I Ever Want to Have Sex Again? 228

Reentering Society 230

Managing the Mental Load 235

Building Your Crew and Keeping Your Sanity 243

Epilogue: You're Fucking Incredible 249

Acknowledgments 251

Notes 253

Index 255