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When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses - Paperback | Diverse Reads

When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses

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"Once in a generation, a book comes along that alters the way society views a topic. When Children Grieve is an essential primer for parents and others who interact with children on a regular basis." — Bernard McGrane, Ph.D., Professor of Sociology, Chapman University and U.C. Irvine

The first—and definitive—guide to helping children really deal with loss from the authors of the The Grief Recovery Handbook

Following deaths, divorces, pet loss, or the confusion of major relocation, many adults tell their children “don’t feel bad.” In fact, say the authors of the bestselling The Grief Recovery Handbook, feeling bad or sad is precisely the appropriate emotion attached to sad events. Encouraging a child to bypass grief without completion can cause unseen long-term damage.

When Children Grieve helps parents break through the misinformation that surrounds the topic of grief. It pinpoints the six major myths that hamper children in adapting to life’s inevitable losses. Practical and compassionate, it guides parents in creating emotional safety and spells out specific actions to help children move forward successfully.

ISBN-13: 9780060084295

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers

Publication Date: 06-04-2002

Pages: 288

Product Dimensions: 5.31(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.65(d)

John W. James and Russell Friedman have been working with grievers for more than thirty years. They have served as consultants to thousands of bereavement professionals and provide Grief Recovery® Seminars and Certification Programs throughout the United States and Canada. They are the founders of the Grief Recovery Institute®. John W. James and Russell Friedman have been working with grievers for more than thirty years. They have served as consultants to thousands of bereavement professionals and provide Grief Recovery® Seminars and Certification Programs throughout the United States and Canada. They are the founders of the Grief Recovery Institute®.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

What's the Problem and Whose Problem Is It?

Because you are reading this book, there is a high probability that your child or a child in your care has experienced one or more losses. It is impossible to set down a list of losses that would have universal application to everyone reading this book. The following list represents the most common losses, in the sequence most likely to occur in a child's life.

Death of a pet

Death of a grandparent

Major move

Divorce of a child's parents

Death of a parent[s]

Death of a playmate, friend, or relative

Debilitating injury to the child or to someone important in the child's life

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What People are Saying About This

Fred Rogers

Fred Rogers,Producer/Host Mister Rogers' Neighborhood and Honorary Chairman of The Caring Place (a center for grieving children, adolescents, and their families)
There isn't anyone in life who hasn't experienced some kind of loss. It's comforting to know that we are not alone in our sadness and that practical, easy-to-read, thoughtful help is available by way of Russell Friedman, John James, and Leslie Landon Matthews gentle insights on the pages of When Children Grieve. Thank you, Neighbors, for your obvious care.

Table of Contents

Introduction: Put Your Oxygen Mask on First xii
Who Are We? And Why Have We Written This Book? xv
Part 1 Monkey See, Monkey do 1
Why Are You Reading This Book? 3
Chapter 1 What's the Problem and Whose Problem Is It? 5
What's the Problem? 6
What Is Grief, Anyway? 7
Obvious and Hidden Losses 8
Never Compare Losses 8
Time Doesn't Heal--Actions Do 9
Normal and Natural 10
Crisis Behavior 11
Between the Problem and the Solution: Six Major Myths 12
Chapter 2 Looking At Myth 1: Don't Feel Bad! 14
Sweet but Dangerous 15
Without Sadness, Joy Cannot Exist 16
We Are Not Exaggerating 16
Who's Responsible for Feelings? 21
Chapter 3 Looking at Myth 2: Replace the Loss, Part One 24
All Relationships are Unique 26
The Stolen Bicycle 27
Toys and Dolls--Gone but Not Forgotten 28
It's Time to Meet Leslie and Learn More about Cherished Possessions 29
Replace the Loss, Part Two 31
Chapter 4 Looking at Myth 3: Grieve Alone 33
Multigenerational Pass-Through 34
Grieve Alone--A Closer Look 36
Why Do People Grieve Alone? 38
Is Alone Ever Okay? 39
Here's Some Good News: Different Beliefs Produce Better Results For Children 39
Pause to Reflect and Recap 40
Chapter 5 Looking at Myth 4: Be Strong 42
Wait, There's More 43
Strong or Human, Pick One! 44
Chapter 6 Looking at Myth 5: Keep Busy 46
A Dangerous Illusion 47
The Real Impact of Loss: Keeping Busy and Dwelling on Pain 48
Dwelling on Pain Is Sometimes the Result of Not Being Heard 50
Heard at Last 51
Chapter 7 Looking at Myth 6: Time Heals All Wounds 54
Corporate Grief and Grief in the Classroom 55
No Time Zones 56
Part 2 Moving From Grief to Recovery 59
Chapter 8 Looking for "The Book" 61
John's Quest Continues 64
Chapter 9 What Is Incomplete Grief? 67
Is Incomplete Grief Only about Bad Things? 69
Chapter 10 Helping the Helpers 73
It's Easier to Fill an Empty Cup 73
Scuba Diving Lessons 74
The Critical Transition 75
Boundless Capacity 77
Delicate Strokes 78
If Your Kids Are Older, Do Not Despair 79
Do We Know Enough Yet? 79
Chapter 11 Short-Term Energy-Relieving Behaviors (S.T.E.R.B.s) 80
Do You Know Where Your Child's Energy Is? 82
Short-Term Relief Doesn't Work 84
Recapping Part Two 87
Part 3 The Path to Completion 89
What is Completion?
Chapter 12 The Relationship Review 91
Relationship Reviews Happen Automatically 91
Who Goes First? 92
Pick the Fruit When It's Ripe 93
Chapter 13 Real-Life Examples 96
Out of the Mouths of Babes--Good-bye, Mr. Hamster 96
All Grief Is Experienced at 100 percent 98
The Death of a Pet 98
Random Memories 102
Chapter 14 Helping Your Child Review the Relationship 103
Sleeping in the Bed, or Not 105
Minding the Steam Kettle 106
Chapter 15 The Emotional Energy Checklist 107
Children and Their Pets: Reviewing Events and Emotions 107
Emotional Energy Checklist: Death of a Pet 110
Chapter 16 What to Do with the Review 113
Converting Emotional Energy Into Recovery Components 113
Chapter 17 Recovery Components 116
Apologies First 116
Apologies to Living People 116
Apologies to People Who Have Died 119
Should Parents Ever Apologize? 119
Time Doesn't Create Completion: Actions Do 120
Chapter 18 Recovery Components: Forgiveness 121
Forgiveness Is an Action, Not a Feeling 123
Chapter 19 Recovery Components: Significant Emotional Statements 126
Are the Same Things Significant for Everyone? 127
Some Significant Comments Require Forgiveness 128
Fond Memories 128
Recapping This Section 129
Chapter 20 Death of a Person 132
Reviewing Relationships with People Who Have Died 133
The Death of a Grandparent 134
Uniqueness Is the Real Issue 135
"Less Than Loved Ones" 137
Complex Relationships 137
Emotional Energy Checklist: Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance 139
Recapping Part Three--Is It Soup Yet? 143
Before We Move On, We Honor the Readers 144
Part 4 Moving from Discovery to Completion 145
Chapter 21 Continuing Litany vs. Freedom
Carrying the Litany Is a Heavy Load 147
Exaggerated Memory Pictures 149
Freedom Feels Better 150
Chapter 22 Zeroing In on Completion 151
"Thumper" 151
Chapter 23 Delivering, Completing, and Saying Good-bye 160
Leading Up to Jessica's Letter 161
Jessica's Completion Letter to Thumper 163
Entirely Different but Exactly the Same 176
Chapter 24 Very Close to NaNa 169
Emotional Energy List--Grandparent, Relative, or Close Acquaintance 176
Chronicling Events that Occur After a Death 179
Amanda's Completion Letter to NaNa 181
Chapter 25 One More Letter 183
Jeffrey's Letter 184
New Discoveries 185
What About Jeffrey's Sisters? 186
Concluding Part Four 187
Part 5 Other Losses 189
Focusing on Moving and Divorce 189
Chapter 26 The First Big Move 191
Transitional Events 193
Chapter 27 What Not to Do 194
Moving 197
Chapter 28 On Divorce 199
Leslie Gets the First Word--The Divorce of My Parents 199
Chapter 29 Bad New--Bad News 202
Long Term or Sudden Impact 202
Whose Divorce Is It? 203
Multiple Losses 204
Sometimes We Get Lucky 206
Don't Fix Feelings 207
Don't Be Fooled--Relief Is Only the Last Feeling 208
Noble Sentiments, but Hearts Are Still Broken 209
One Central Issue 201
Unique Is Still the Bottom Line 211
Where Is the Focus? 212
Taking Sides 213
Children Sometimes Blame Themselves 214
What Can You Do to Help? 214
Leslie Gets the Last Word, Too 215
Part 6 Closing up Shop 219
Chapter 30 The "D" Word 221
Illusion of Protection 222
Solid and Clear Reference Point 222
Sometimes the World Travels Backward 223
Talking About Death with Your Child 224
Curiosity Helps Children Learn 226
Chapter 31 Euphemisms + Metaphors = Confusion 230
Chapter 32 Four Weddings and a Funeral? 234
Forty-five Years Later, but Who's Counting 237
Chapter 33 Win-Win 240
Chloe and Carrie Sue and the Real Meaning of Time 240
Three Generations 242
Spencer's Accidental Owners 244
Tuning In to Elizabeth 247
The Grief Recovery Groupie 249
Our Completion with You 252
Questionnaire 254
Acknowledgments 261