Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts

A go-to guide on how to confront, heal from, and ultimately thrive after the devastation of betrayal by a partner's compulsive sexual or other addictive behavior

The first book specifically for partners affected by addictive behavior that addresses, in detail, how to identify, create, and maintain boundaries as a vital component of self-care and an indispensable tool for healing and growth. Through working the 5-Step Boundary Solution partners will

gain clarity;

reduce the chaos inherent in relationships impacted by sex addiction;

feel more empowered and in control of their lives;

discover whether or not their relationship with the addict is salvageable.

Vicki Tidwell Palmer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (SEP) in private practice in Houston, Texas. She is the author of the blog for partners Survival Strategies for Partners of Sex Addicts.

ISBN-13: 9781942094142

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: Central Recovery Press LLC

Publication Date: 05-24-2016

Pages: 200

Product Dimensions: 6.00(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.70(d)

Vicki Tidwell Palmer is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW), Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT), and Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner (SEP) in private practice in Houston, Texas. In addition to her training with the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP) and the Somatic Experiencing® Trauma Institute (SETI), Vicki has trained extensively with Pia Mellody, one of the pioneers in the treatment of childhood trauma, boundaries, and love addiction, a condition often associated with partners of addicts. She is the author of the blog for partners Survival Strategies for Partners of Sex Addicts (vickitidwellpalmer.com/blog).

Table of Contents

Table of Contents

A Word about Pronouns
Acknowledgments
Introduction

Chapter One: Your Future Is Not Your Past
The Courageous Journey
The Transformational Power of Boundaries
The Fog of Addiction
Partners of Sex Addicts: Co-Addicts or Trauma Survivors?
The Way Out

Chapter Two: Not All Forms of Addiction Are Created Equal: What You Need to Know About Sex Addiction
The ABCs of Addiction
What Sets Sex Addiction Apart
The Sex Addiction “Excuse”
Basics of First-Year Sex Addiction Recovery
Recovery “Slips” and Relapses
How Partners Are Impacted
Your Self-Care in Early Discovery

Chapter Three: First Things First: How to Recognize a Good Boundary When You See One
The Human Urge Toward Safety
Boundaries Are Everywhere
Common Misconceptions and Myths about Boundaries
The Five Boundaries
Boundaries at the Extremes
What Are Boundary Violations?
Non-negotiable Relationship Boundaries
What Good Boundaries Can Do for You
Common Boundaries Set by Partners of Sex Addicts

Chapter Four: Boundary Solution Step 1: Knowing and Owning Your Reality
Why You’ve Struggled to Know Your Reality
How Deception Creates Trauma and Distorts Your Reality
How to Identify Your Reality in Three Steps
What About Intuition?
Reality Checking
EXERCISE: Boundary Solution Step 1

Chapter Five: Boundary Solution Step 2: Getting Your Needs Met
Knowing Your Needs
The “Honesty Problem” in Early Recovery from Sex Addiction
Tolerating the Intolerable
A Partner’s Bill of Rights
Creating a Vision of Needs Fulfilled
EXERCISE: Boundary Solution Step 2

Chapter Six: Boundary Solution Step 3: Identifying Your Power Center
Power, Authentic Power, and Power Over
How Partners Lose Power
Vanish the Victim
Collaborative Transparency
Your Higher Power
Identify Your Power Center
EXERCISE: Boundary Solution Step 3

Chapter Seven: Boundary Solution Step 4: Creating and Implementing Your Action Plan
The Four Possible Actions
Contracts and Expectations
Demands, Ultimatums, and Requests
How to Make Effective Requests
Best Practices for Presenting a Request
Partner’s Challenges to Taking Action
Implementing Your Action Plan
Examples of Requests Made by Partners of Sex Addicts
Your Partner’s Rights when Receiving a Request
EXERCISE: Boundary Solution Step 4

Chapter Eight: Boundary Solution Step 5: Evaluate Your Results: Mission Accomplished . . . or Not: When Boundaries Are Broken
Celebrate Your Success!
When You Don’t Get the Outcome You Wanted
The Boundary Was Broken . . . What Now?
Your Options for Handling Broken Agreements and Boundary Violations
Self-Care, Consequences, and Punishment
Commit—with Confidence—to Your Consequence
EXERCISE: Boundary Solution Step 5

Chapter Nine: Speed Bumps, Roadblocks, and Crash Landings: Hidden Barriers to
Boundary Work and What to Do about Them
Esteem and Worth
Difficulty with Emotional Regulation
Family and Financial Considerations
Addiction or Untreated Mental Health Concerns
Overvaluing the Relationship or the Addict (Love Addiction)
Family of Origin and Preexisting Adult Trauma
Secrets
Situations of Domestic Abuse

Chapter Ten: Burning Is Learning: How Your New Boundary Muscle Will Keep
You Strong and Serene for a Lifetime

Chapter Eleven: Partners Beyond Betrayal: Trust, Gratitude, and Forgiveness
Will I Ever Trust Again?
Gratitude
Forgiveness

Appendix
5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier
Boundary Evaluation
How to Take a Relational Time-Out in Six Steps
Listening Format
Needs Inventory
Overview of the Boundary System
Stages of Healing for Partners of Sex Addicts
Suggested Recovery Check-In Items for Sex Addicts and Their Partners
Talking Format and Request
Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs)
Love Addiction Test

Recommended Reading
Additional Resources
Author Resources and Programs

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