Sexual Outsiders: Understanding BDSM Sexualities and Communities

ISBN-13: 9781442217362

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers - Inc.

Publication Date: 02-19-2015

Pages: 184

Product Dimensions: 5.90(w) x 8.90(h) x 0.80(d)

David M. Ortmann, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, sex therapist and author in private practice. His work has been published in journals, magazines, and anthologies of fiction and non-fiction. His areas of clinical focus and study are the sexuality of the BDSM, Leather and Kink communities, concepts and theories of masculinity, and the processes of human attachment and differentiation. He speaks locally and nationally in an effort to promote Leather, Kink, and BDSM community visibility and improve clinical psychotherapeutic interventions for these populations. Ortmann is a member of The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT), the Northern California Society for Psychoanalytic Psychology (NCSPP) and is one of the founding members of the Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities (CARAS). Richard Sprott, Ph.D., is a research psychologist in developmental science and lecturer in the Department of Human Development and Women’s Studies at California State University, East Bay. He is the executive director of CARAS, the Community-Academic Consortium for Research on Alternative Sexualities, a community-academic partnership to enhance and encourage scientific investigation and scholarly analysis of under-studied sexualities, like BDSM and polyamory.

Read an Excerpt

Sexual Outsiders

ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD PUBLISHERS, INC.

Chapter One

BDSM: WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

As I explained to Elaine, the term BDSM is a compound acronym derived from the terms Bondage and Discipline (B/D), Dominance and submission (D/s), and Sadism and Masochism (S/M). BD + Ds + SM = BDSM. It describes forms of sexuality that incorporate restraint, pressure, sensation, training, and elements of both erotic and nonerotic power exchange between the parties engaged.

What is bondage? The word conjures up images of rope and shackles, of bodies bound and struggling for release. Bondage, in its broadest sense, involves the act of restraining oneself or another using cuffs, rope, metal, fabric, shackles, or chains. An erotic feeling of immobilization or stimulation from the material and textures of the implements of restraint is one of the greatest pleasures resulting from the act of being bound. Bondage can be as simple as a pair of hands tied with a bandana or as intricate as the exquisite forms of shibari Japanese rope bondage, arts that can take years to learn and master.

Discipline is an activity in which a Dominant partner trains a submissive partner in order to produce certain behavior. Discipline incorporates rigid guidelines for behavior and involves various forms of punishment when the prescribed standards of behavior are not met.

Dominance is the state of assuming psychological or physical control over another in a power-exchange relationship, a state in which orders may be executed or services performed. The state of Dominance can last for the length of a brief, negotiated scene or for the entire length of a relationship, depending on the agreement between the Dominant and His or Her submissive. Such is the case in 24/7 "total power exchange" relationships in which people expand the power dynamic to all spheres of their relationship, all the time. Written or verbal contracts are often employed to define the length and breadth of Dominant/submissive relationships.

In contrast to Dominance, the state of submission refers to one in which an individual willingly and consensually sublimates or bequeaths his or her power to a Dominant partner in a power-exchange relationship. In doing so, the submissive allows the Dominant to take psychological or physical control over him or her. Again, this can be for several moments, an evening, or for the entire length of the relationship, depending on the agreements negotiated and agreed upon.

The myth that a submissive has no power is an erroneous, and dangerous, one. On the contrary, the state of submission may be one of the most powerful states of BDSM consciousness for the very fact that the act of giving over one's power to a trusted Dominant partner is, in and of itself, an act of extreme power and one that should not be taken lightly. Submission should not be confused with passivity or helplessness, regardless of what it may look like. In BDSM sexuality, dynamics like submission may not be what they appear to be to the outside observer.

The terms sadism and masochism are wrought with clinical, colloquial, and historical definitions and value judgments. Named for the notorious and prolific author Donatien Alphonse François, Marquis de Sade (more commonly referred to, simply, as the Marquis de Sade), whose sadistic imagination would not fit the definition of today's consensual BDSM, sadism refers to the derivation of pleasure as a result of inflicting pain or watching pain inflicted on another person or persons. In the medical and psychological fields, Sexual Sadism is classified as a Paraphilia and is thus subject to scrutiny, criticism, and classification as a medical and psychological pathology. The ways in which sadism, and its counterpart, masochism, have been marginalized, criminalized, and pathologized will be discussed further in the following chapters.

Perhaps lesser known than the infamous marquis, Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was the Austrian literary and philosophical figure after whom the term masochism was coined. A talented and extraordinarily prolific writer (he had ninety novels to his credit before his death in 1895), Sacher-Masoch is perhaps best known today for his short novel Venus in Furs, which detailed his own fantasies and fetishes (especially for Dominant women wearing fur). He was known for both writing about, and living out, his fantasies with his mistresses and wives.

In complementary contrast to sadism, masochism refers to the derivation of pleasure from having pain or humiliation inflicted upon oneself. Like Sexual Sadism, medical and psychological communities classify Sexual Masochism as a Paraphilia and, historically, those who subscribe to such behaviors have been pathologized, marginalized, and criminalized.

Today, the terms Sexual Sadism and Sexual Masochism are used by medical and psychological communities to describe mental illness, psychopathology, or maladaptive coping mechanisms. Within the BDSM communities, however, the terms sadism and masochism refer to consensual erotic practices from which great amounts of pleasure, sensation, and catharsis can be derived.

TERMINOLOGY: NAMES AND TITLES

The freedom and ability to name yourself, call yourself, describe—and yes, label—yourself to the world is a freedom that we hold as a crucial value to owning and feeling a sense of self, a sense of independence, or of interdependence. In naming ourselves we have the opportunity to both be a part of a culture and distinguish ourselves from it.

Throughout the course of this book you'll hear from many people. Rather than ask them to define themselves by criteria we've created, we've encouraged them to describe themselves just as they are, in that moment and in their terms. It's unlikely you'll find consistency in how the men and women who've become the voices of Sexual Outsiders describe themselves. We planned for, offered, invited—and embraced—this.

So the main conflict is my birthday party, which Master wants to have at this restaurant that my training Daddy and His boy really hate. Since they don't know each other that well yet, it's hard to get them to communicate and reach some sort of compromise. It makes it even more complicated that Mistress Alexandra, who is, like, my main Mentor in the Leather community and Her girl are invited too and it will be their first meeting with everyone, including puppy seth, who is, like, my best friend. I ask you, how does a good submissive kind of ... I don't know ... gently take charge of a situation that is supposed to be organized by all the others ... and, supposedly, for his pleasure. It's my birthday, after all, and all this is really frustrating!

—Aaron, twenty-six-year-old leatherboy, submissive, and credit union customer services manager (Daly City, CA)

This is an actual account of a relational and communication dilemma that a patient brought up one week in therapy. Although the cast of characters may seem a mystery to anyone unfamiliar with BDSM, the basic problem is quite simple: how to get a group of people, some of whom don't know one another, to communicate and decide where to celebrate a birthday and what involvement, if any, does my patient Aaron want to have in this process? What complicates this particular scenario for someone new to BDSM culture are the array of titles and roles applied to the significant individuals in Aaron's life and a lack of understanding about how decision-making power is distributed, or not distributed, between these people. This dilemma becomes a simpler problem to comprehend with some general knowledge of BDSM terminology and specific understanding of the place these individuals occupy in Aaron's life.

So, let's unpack this. In the above account, Aaron is referring to his Master, the main Dominant male figure in his life and with whom he is in a primary relationship. Aaron also identifies a training Daddy, a man who fulfills targeted, focused, initially short-term BDSM training in ritual and protocol in order to prepare a submissive for his or her journey into BDSM. The training Daddy, in this case, also has a boy (a male identified submissive) of His own with whom He is in a primary relationship. Aaron also has a Mentor, an individual who has agreed to guide, connect, and socially sponsor a newcomer to the BDSM scene. This particular Mentor, Mistress Alexandra, also has a girl in tow (a female identified submissive) of Her own. Also in play here is a character called puppy seth, who is Aaron's best friend. Puppies are human submissives who identify as animals or pets for the purposes of submission, training, and erotic play.

Rounding out this dynamic involved the revelation that Aaron's Master was ambivalent about being in charge of the birthday party and was reluctant to share the celebration with the many other people in Aaron's life, which was the crux of the conflict.

Like all subcultures, BDSM communities have co-opted vocabulary and phraseology and, in some cases, developed their own language full of terminology that can be confusing and daunting to the newcomer, be that person someone coming out into BDSM, or partners, family members, community leaders, medical professionals, or counselors seeking to educate themselves about these communities.

There is a head-spinning array of creative and colorful names for what we, the authors, have come to call the "Initiator" and the "receiver" of BDSM sex and play. Our terms correspond closely to the traditional terms Dominant and submissive, or Top and bottom, as well as to the terms from the heterosexist model of sexual intercourse: penetrator and penetrated. Now, one need not be penetrated or Dominated in the course of BDSM sexuality, or any sexuality for that matter, but these are common threads and labels running throughout this subculture's vocabulary.

A special note about the terms BDSM, Kink, and Fetish: to a certain extent, the use of terms like sadism and masochism and the subcultural blend of sadomasochism is an example of how the subculture borrowed language from the medical community to talk about itself. But these words did not arise from within the community. These terms reflect an agenda (and the stigmatizing viewpoint) of the medical and psychiatric professions. The same goes for the term Fetish, which was originally borrowed by psychiatrists from anthropologists. However, the words kink and kinky sex were more organic, created by early sexual minorities without relying on medical or scientific jargon. So, in many ways, the term kink is more appropriate if one wants to honor this culture by using the terms they use to describe themselves, rather than those terms imposed on them from the outside.

Are there forms of kink and fetish sexuality that do not have a Dominant or submissive power dynamic, yet still have a partner who initiates and a partner who follows? Yes. Intense fabric bondage, such as spandex, and sensation play come to mind, where one partner is providing, or initiating, the tactile stimulation through a stimulating material and another is receiving the sensations. The play may be devoid of a D/s power dynamic, but still has an Initiator and receiver. Of course, one could make the argument that the provider of the stimulation is being Dominant and the receiver is being submissive, so the grey areas here are wide and varied. This is not science. It is culture and art, with all its richness and adaptability.

IDENTITY AND ROLES

It is important to make the distinction between what constitutes an identity and what constitutes a role. Identities are generally more fixed, whereas a role is more mutable and dependent on the specific context or activity. For example a Dominant partner may identify as a Dominant in general, not just in the course of a scene. Further to that, He or She may identify as a Sir (a female can identify as a Sir just as a male can). In the context of a scene or a BDSM psychodrama, the same Dominant may take on the role of father, coach, or prison warden, but that role tends to end when the scene ends, whereas the overarching identity of Dominant or Sir is more consistent with the individual's personality construct and process of self-identification and is, therefore, more fixed.

Similarly, a leatherboy may identify as a submissive and that identity may be one that he carries throughout his leather journey. However, in the course of a corporal punishment scene, he may find himself in the role of miscreant schoolboy or disciplined football jock, a role that he will relinquish at the end of a scene though his identity as a submissive and leatherboy remains consistently a part of his identity construct.

This is not to say identities cannot and do not change. Identities are subject to change as an individual grows and evolves in his or her path, but identities do not change with the same frequency as the many roles played within BDSM scenes.

I get that identity is important for a lot of people in the BDSM community, but I don't get it—for myself, at least. I had a really hard time writing my Recon profile, especially after reading some of the ones that were already on the site. It wasn't so much the activities that gave me pause. I'm comfortable with all kinds of kink and powerplay. What made me question myself was seeing all these profiles where people were, like, "I am a slave 24/7. I never sit on furniture, eat from a dog dish, and sleep on the floor beside my Master's bed." I mean this dude was a slave. There were all these other profiles, Masters who said, "You will defer to Me at all times; you will be asked your opinion once and once only, and that will occur when I ask if you want to enter into a relationship with Me. I own you."

You get the picture. I'm not judging folks who live this extreme BDSM life or the fact that they adopt it as a primary part of their identity.

What bothered me was that all those profiles make me feel like a fake, a poser, some loser dabbling in BDSM. I'm an outsider among outsiders. How much does that suck? I'm not sure who I am in the kink world yet, but I am sure I'm not a Master or a slave. Those models are too rigid for me. I know I identify somewhat as a boy, but I also love Topping my Sir. Sometimes when I am fucking the sense out of Him, He calls me Sir. So what am I? I love the idea of getting caned by a Dominant woman even though I'm a gay man. What does that make me? Maybe I could play at being slave-like for the duration of a short scene, but the idea of 24/7 submission is so not me. I'd love to Top a sub. I'm particularly interested in flogging and impact play, but I haven't learned the skills yet. Who can I ask to teach me? Where do I go, and once I find a place or person, will they accept me as this fluid kinky dude who doesn't hold a rigid identity? Can't I just be me?

So, my therapist said to me, "No one gets to dictate what your kink looks like and you don't have to run around seeking other people's approval for who you want to be in the scene or in your life. Your identity is Samson, and Samson is always growing and evolving. That's your identity. If people ask you, and you feel like sharing, identify as an evolving kinkster—that leaves you open to everything. You can say 'yes,' or 'no,' and you're still Samson and still a valid, important part of the community. In fact, your lack of identity rigidity may be an example to others struggling with the same feelings of not fitting into a pre-fab box."

Today, I'm feeling a lot less pressure to conform. Critics who say I have to "pick a side" just get brushed aside. I've really come to believe what my therapist said. No one gets to tell me who, or how, to be. As a result, my Recon profile is a little unique but—hey—I get a lot of hits!

—Samson, twenty-six-year-old evolving kinkster, medical student, and board game geek (Santa Fe, NM)

Like Samson, not everyone neatly identifies as exclusively Dominant or submissive. BDSM communities are noted for the many men and women who identify as versatile, or as "switches." Switch constitutes an identity and it is the switches who walk between the worlds, so to speak. A switch may be submissive to a Dominant partner while being the Dominant to a boy or girl of his or her choosing. The array of roles open to those who identify as switch are broad and rich.

There are, however, commonly agreed-upon terms for the many roles and identities that help define and add depth and color to the BDSM, Kink, Leather, and Fetish communities. Among the most common ones encountered are, for the Dominants: Dominant, Dom, Domme, Master, Top, Dad, Sir, Madam, Mistress, Mommy, Ma'am, Lord, and Lady. For the submissive: sub, slave, boy, girl, princess, prince, pup, son, or daughter are among some common terms. Despite specific vocabulary, there is always an Initiator and a receiver and, in most cases, a Dominant and submissive partner.

Having established this, there can be as many roles in BDSM sexuality as there are individuals to dream them up. Not surprisingly, many of these roles hearken back to classic Jungian archetypes, a topic we will explore later. In fact, BDSM culture is one of the arenas in which the modern-day inhabiting of classic mythological archetypes can be observed in full regalia.

Our sexual landscape is growing and evolving, and while it does not require us to abandon the old, the tried-and-true, it does force us to reject the binary paradigm in favor of a model that allows for the breadth of sexual and erotic expression to be examined and enjoyed. We invite you to join us as we recount the ways we have come to understand and appreciate BDSM sexuality and the incredible communities that have formed around it.

(Continues...)

---

Excerpted from Sexual Outsiders by David M. Ortmann Richard A. Sprott Copyright © 2013 by Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.. Excerpted by permission of ROWMAN & LITTLEFIELD PUBLISHERS, INC.. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

---

<

What People are Saying About This

Table of Contents