Read an Excerpt
THE GOLDEN RULES OF CONSENT
Consent can be very simple: it’s an agreement between people, or permission for something to happen.
“Yes, you can borrow my T-shirt!” you say to a friend.
That sounds pretty straightforward, right? But what if you didn’t know that your friend was planning to take your T-shirt to summer camp—dirty, gross summer camp? What if you said your brother could borrow it that one time, but now he thinks it’s OK to borrow your T-shirt anytime—without asking first? And wait, what if the person asking is a teacher?
Consent is about more than just saying yes or no.
So here are some golden rules about consent—using a T-shirt as an example—that are good for keeps!
Consent needs to be COMMUNICATED
You’ve got to say it, to the best of your ability. Communicate! “Yes, you can borrow my T-shirt!” Out loud is best, with a clear yes or no, but there are also other ways to make yourself clear.
Consent needs to be SPECIFIC
You can’t consent unless you know what you’re consenting to. “Yes, you can borrow my T-shirt tomorrow” doesn’t mean you’re lending it forever. If you didn’t know about the dirty summer camp, then you didn’t have enough information to fully consent. And saying yes doesn’t mean you’re lending your favorite pair of shorts at the same time. Unless you specifically say so!
Consent can CHANGE
You can change your mind! And it doesn’t matter why you change your mind—you might have no reason, you might get new information (like they’re taking it mud-wrestling—noooo!), or you might see your friend treating your T-shirt in a way you don’t like.
And even if you agreed to lend your T-shirt once, you can still change your mind.
Actually, no!
Consent should be
ENTHUSIASTIC and
FREELY GIVEN
I suppose so . . .
You should feel happy and comfortable lending someone your T-shirt, and not like you’ve been coerced or tricked into doing it against your will. You can’t give consent when you’re half-asleep, for example! If you’re clutching your T-shirt to your chest with big scared eyes and shaking your head while saying yes in a tiny voice, then your consent has not been enthusiastically or freely given.
POWER matters
We’ll go into this more on page 96, but it’s much harder to give real consent if the person wanting to borrow your T-shirt is in a position of authority over you—whether that’s official authority (like a teacher, doctor, or police officer) or social authority (the most popular person in your class).
Ideally they would recognize that their position makes it harder for you to give real consent, but sometimes they won’t. So you need to know how to protect yourself—and your T-shirt—in a situation like this!
Consent can be easy . . . or not
Consent happens in everyday situations where you might not even think about it—like when a friend suggests you both go hang out at their house after school and you agree. Or—yes!—when someone is borrowing a T-shirt.
But at other times, it can be more stressful, like: “Ooooh. They want my consent for a kiss. This feels so serious.” Or “Eek! I don’t know how to say no to this! I need to withhold consent.”
Sometimes it will feel weird to be so up-front about consent, especially if a situation is unfamiliar or new. But that doesn’t mean you have to do whatever is asked of you.
Sometimes your body gives out signals that things feel weird. You might breathe a bit faster or have a tiny, uncomfortable knot in your stomach. This book will help you learn to pay attention to those signals, and trust in them—because they’re telling you something important!
Sticking up for yourself is important, too. So we’ll help you learn to step through the weird feelings and connect with your true wants and needs. We’ll talk a lot more about listening to that inner voice and looking out for those signs.
Remember, when it comes to your own body, you are always in charge.
Consent is a two-way street
Sometimes you’re the one asking to borrow a T-shirt and other times you’re the one lending it. The rules are the same regardless!
WHAT’S AWESOME ABOUT CONSENT?
The best thing about making an effort to discuss consent with someone is that you both know what’s going on! You leave the guesswork behind. If you are clear about what you’re allowing someone to do—or what they’re allowing you to do—then no one has to wonder anymore.
You ask. And they answer!
They ask. And you answer!
When you say yes—or someone says yes to you—it should feel good. It means you both want to share an experience, experiment together, or do something fun together. It means you know for sure the other person is into the same thing you are—whether it’s ordering hot fries with gravy or kissing!
“When it’s right, you just kind of feel warm and comforted.” Mel Kettle
“It’s kind of like driving. You never want to be in autopilot mode. You want to be in active mode—looking for those tells. Actively asking if that person is comfortable.” Luke, 17
Sometimes no is even more beautiful than yes, even though we tend to think we should always be aiming to hear a yes answer.
No—or nonconsent—is beautiful because it means the person communicating this has shown you where their boundaries are. They have done it in such a clear way that they trust you can understand and accept their refusal.
By saying no, they have created an understanding between you that maybe wasn’t there before.
“I respect it when people offer to help and also are respectful of my choice to decline their offer of help. The key here is to offer the disabled person a choice instead of telling them you are doing it.” Nicole Lee
“It’s one thing to ask a question and then act like either answer to the question [yes or no] would be OK—it’s another thing to be able to enthusiastically hear the word no. We don’t lean into rejection very often.” Nevo Zisin
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