Table of Contents
Preface ix
When you've Lost your self in Someone Else
Tangles
Chapter 1 By Definition 3
Chapter 2 Sixty-Six Years 7
Chapter 3 As We Embark 21
Untangling
Chapter 4 The Big Picture 33
Chapter 5 The Basics 41
It's about Losing Your Self 42
It's about Unhealthy Attachments 46
It's about Finding You 48
It's about Getting Balance 51
It's about Intervening on Your Own Behalf 55
It's about Spiritual Growth 57
It's a Process without Rules or Sequence 60
It's a Process That Takes Time 63
Every Day Ain't Great 66
Don't Go It Alone 68
Chapter 6 The Four Areas of Work 73
Facing Illusions 75
Find the Truth about You, Them, and Your Situation 76
Work to Accept the Truth You Find 83
Detaching 87
Become Aware of Who and What Entangles You 89
• Individual Influences 91
• Family Influences 95
• Social/Cultural/Political Influences 126
Separate Your Problem(s) from the Other Person's Problem(s) 130
Don't Try to Fix the Other Person's Problem(s) 131
Find Your Emotional Balance 134
• Observe the Other Person 138
• Act, Don't React 141
• Use Self-Talk 143
Be Aware of Your Motivations 149
Setting Healthy Boundaries 154
Slow Down 157
Listen to the Four Areas of Your Self 159
Respond to the Four Areas of Your Self 162
Use "I" Statements 167
Make Statements Rather than Ask Questions 169
Set and State Your Boundaries 171
Stick with Your Limits 173
Say Things Once 175
Say Things Cleanly and without Extensive Discussion 177
Stick to the Topic 178
Stay in the Present 181
Listen to the Other Person 184
Be Careful of Defending, Justifying, and Convincing 186
Be Conscious and Observing of Your Self 188
Learn when to Stop 190
Stop 191
Developing Spirituality 194
Slow Down 198
Simplify 199
Be in the Present 201
Find Some Solitude 203
Breathe 205
Relax Your Body 207
Quiet Your Mind 209
Sit in Silence 211
Discover Your Higher Power 213
Have an Ongoing Relationship with Your Higher Power 215
Let Go of Things You Cannot Control 217
Practice These Things 220
Cultivate Faith 221
When You've Found Your Self
Chapter 7 Your Healthy Self 229
Application of the Four Areas of Disentangle Work 230
Practices for Daily Living 237
• Living in the Now 237
• Well-Defined by Me 238
• Quietly Be. Quietly See. Anchored in Me. 242
Appendix A Family Roles (Black, 2002) 245
Appendix B Roles in an Alcoholic Family (Wegscheider-Cruse, 1989) 247
Appendix C Characteristics of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic (Woititz, 1990) 249
Appendix D Illustration of Neurobiology and Self (Johnston, 2015) 251
Appendix E Chart for Healthy Emotional Expression (Johnston, 2014) 252
Appendix F Continuum of Expressive Behaviors (Johnston, 1995) 253
Bibliography 255
