Read an Excerpt
The chances are high that you have what I call an “intimacy gap” in your life. I’m not referring to the intimacy of a romantic relationship, but rather the lack of depth many of us feel in our friendship intimacy, or “frientimacy.” That is, a gap between the kind of friendships you want to have and the ones you do have. This isn’t to say your friends aren’t great people, or that you’re not a great friend. This is to say that, if you’re like most people, something in you knows that you have the capacity to both give and receive far more support, love, and intimacy than you currently enjoy.
This is because we’re social beings. We don’t just thrive on feeling emotionally connected to others; research shows that we’re wired to connect with others—that we actually function best when we feel we are woven tightly into relationships. Unfortunately, too often in this day and age we feel less connected than we’d like—no matter how many social media friends or connections we have.
Here are some ways that many women have expressed this desire:
I am over being networked; I just want a few close friends.
I am ready for comfortable.
I have a social life, but that’s different than feeling really connected.
I just want to feel like I belong.
I long for more relaxed time to connect with the people I love.
I prefer deep.
I want friends I believe in and admire.
I want to feel accepted.
I want to know that someone is there for me.
I want to laugh and tell secrets with someone I trust.
I wish I had a tribe.
I’d give anything to be surrounded by friends—really, really good friends.
If just one of the lines above speaks to you, then know that what you want is very human. It’s the bravest, healthiest, and most loving among us that will admit our desire for greater frientimacy. Know too that you’re not alone. I believe we live in a world where the need is nearly universal. Our sense of disconnection is far more cultural than it is circumstantial, more widespread than it is personal.
The good news is we can work to close this gap. In so doing we will not only invite more intimacy into our lives—we will actually deepen our lives. This is because healthy, vibrant relationships help us to develop and actualize the joy, meaning, and peace that we crave.
But to get there we first we will want to do a few things:
Acknowledge that we can only control ourselves, not others.
Acknowledge that a healthy relationship starts with bringing our best self to the relationship: that means working on ourselves.
Resist the temptation to run at the first sign of difficulty. Instead, we can learn how to lean in to friendship. How? By working on ourselves.
Now, of course, sometimes self-reflection can be a bit scary, so some might balk at the words “working on ourselves.” But know too that acknowledging and attending to our gaps also creates energy, providing the impetus to make meaningful changes in our lives.
The chapters to follow will walk you through all this and more.
In Part 1: The Intimacy Gap, we’ll discuss what it means to acknowledge and own our intimacy gaps.
In Part 2: The Frientimacy Triangle, we’ll discuss the tri-fold approach to embracing and deepening frientimacy: by enhancing the positivity, consistency, and vulnerability in all our friendships.
In Part 3: Obstacles to Intimacy, we’ll discuss the various stumbling blocks that can trip up our path to frientimacy.
Then, in the conclusion, we’ll cover how we can measure how far we’ve come by tracking our growth in the areas of relationship growth, courage growth, and love.
If you have fewer confidantes than you’d like, and less support than you need, then I welcome you to join me in learning how you can close your intimacy gap and deepen your frientimacy. In so doing you can improve your health and longevity, increase the joy you experience, add meaning to your life, and feel more loved.
But you’ll be doing even more than that. I think the world is dying without the intimacy it needs. In improving your own relationships, you can also help to heal the world. Every person who feels connected and valued is more likely to share the love—and love is something this world needs a whole lot more of.
Join me!
With huge love,
Shasta
