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Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life - Paperback | Diverse Reads

Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life

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Since its original publication in 1982, Getting Free has changed the lives of tens of thousands of women. Written in an accessible style, packed with practical information and answers, special exercises designed to help a woman recognize abuse, and several success stories, Getting Free remains an important resource today—and this updated edition makes it an all the more relevant resource.
In this expanded edition, Ginny NiCarthy features important new information from the latest studies and most recent research on the subject. New chapters include an analysis of whether batterers’ treatment really works, which programs help violent men change, and which do not; the results of research on the ways that many men who batter also abuse their children, and specific reactions of children to battering; the cultural and legal issues relevant to immigrant women; and a presentation of how religious beliefs and religious communities affect the real and perceived choices of women facing violence.

ISBN-13: 9781580051224

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: Basic Books

Publication Date: 10-14-2004

Pages: 464

Product Dimensions: 6.15(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.40(d)

Series: New Leaf

Ginny NiCarthy has written and co-written many books that have helped change the lives of thousands of women, including You Don’t Have to Take It!: A Woman’s Guide to Confronting Emotional Abuse at Work; You Can Be Free: An Easy-to-Read Handbook for Abused Women; The Ones Who Got Away: Women Who Left Abusive Partners; and Talking It Out: A Guide for Abused Women. For twenty-five years she worked as a therapist and was active in the movement to end violence against women.

Table of Contents

Introduction to the New Edition xix
Who this Book is for and How to Use it xxi
Physical Abuse xxi
Sexual Abuse xxii
Emotional Abuse xxiii
Important Tools to Help You Understand Your Situation xxv
How to Read this Book xxxiv
Section I Making the Decision to Leave or Stay
Chapter 1 Social and Political Aspects of Abuse 1
The History of Battering 1
The Masculine Role 3
Why Do Men Batter? 5
The Female Role 7
Why Do Women Stay? 8
Why Do Men Stay? 9
What Can Be Done? 10
Chapter 2 Marriage and the Family: New and Traditional Values 11
What is a Family? 11
The Family in Perspective 12
Who Are You Listening To? 13
What is Important to You? 14
Weighing the Pros and Cons 17
Chapter 3 Is it Ever Right to Break Up the Family? 19
Where Do Your Guilt Feelings Come From? 19
Suicide and "Cracking Up" 20
What About the Children? 22
Child Abuse 25
What Do the Children Deserve? 29
Chapter 4 What Do You Owe Yourself? 31
Are You Somebody Besides Wife, Mother, or Girlfriend? 31
Reading His Feelings, Reading Yours 33
"What if it's Really my Fault?" 34
What Do You Deserve? 36
Getting Respect in the Workplace (at Home and on the Job) 40
Understanding What You Both Deserve 41
Chapter 5 "But I Still Love Him" 43
What Does Being in Love Mean? 43
Romantic Love 45
Addictive Love 47
Nurturing Love 49
Reasons for Leaving Someone You Love 49
Chapter 6 Making the Decision 51
How Serious are You? 51
What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Leave? 52
What's the Worst That Can Happen if You Stay with the Man? 54
Balancing the Scales 56
Making a Commitment to Stay 59
Leaving to Protect Yourself 61
Preparing to Leave Permanently 64
Section II Getting Professional Help 67
The Problem of Sexism 69
Chapter 7 Emergency Help from Doctors, Police, and Prosecutors 72
Medical Help 72
Police Intervention 75
How to Get the most Effective Police Response 76
When Will Police Make an Arrest? 76
Cooperating with the Prosecutor 77
What the Prosecutor Can and Can't Do 79
Dealing with the Prosecutor 80
How Can You Keep the Batterer Away? 81
Chapter 8 Making Legal Decisions 83
When Should you Hire a Lawyer? 83
Divorce 84
Child Custody 85
Property Division, Alimony, and Child Support 86
Costs and Benefits of Support from the Man 88
Other Legal Problems 89
Interviewing the Lawyer 89
Evaluating the Lawyer 91
Chapter 9 Getting Help from a Counselor 94
What Do You Want from a Counselor? 94
Finding a Counselor 96
The First Counseling Session 99
The Special Case of a Sexist Counselor 101
Advantages of a Woman Counselor 102
How to Evaluate the Counselor 103
Section III Helping Yourself to Survival 107
Chapter 10 You Can be Your Own Counselor 109
Changing How You Talk to Yourself 110
What did You Do Right Today? 111
What are You Telling Yourself? 114
The Difference Between the General and the Specific 116
Evaluate Your Rules 117
Chapter 11 A Courageous Act a Day 120
The Uses of Denial 120
Unconvering Your Fears 121
Redefine the Task 123
Take Credit for Each Courageous Act 124
Be Good to Yourself 125
Be Physically Self-Supportive 127
Chapter 12 An End to Isolation 131
How Critical of Others are You? 131
Start with the People You Know 134
Meeting New People 135
Choosing Jobs, Classes, Organizations 135
Chapter 13 Reaching Out 139
Risking the First Steps 139
Getting to Know People on the Job 140
Getting to Know People in Classes and Organizations 142
Moving from Acquaintances to Friends 144
How Much do You Confide in a New Friend? 146
Getting Help from the Family 147
Section IV After You Leave 151
Chapter 14 The First Week 153
Staying in a Shelter for Battered Women 153
Staying with Friends or Relatives 155
Staying Alone 156
Groups for Abused Women 158
Contact with the Man Who Battered You 158
Coping with Fear 163
Loneliness 164
Chapter 15 Protecting Yourself and the Children 166
Visitation 166
Contact with the Batterer 167
What You Can Do for the Children 170
Children's Reactions to Violence and Separation 172
Chapter 16 The Practical Questions of Welfare and Housing 177
Welfare 177
Other Benefits 181
The Housing Search 182
Shared Housing 183
Questions for a Potential Housemate 184
Chapter 17 The Economics of Single Life 187
Paid Employment 187
Getting Ahead on the Job 191
How to Budget Your Income and Expenses 192
Working from a Budget 194
Home Maintenance 196
Overcoming Financial Ignorance 198
Chapter 18 Sexuality 200
Learning to Trust Your Experience 202
Sexuality Isn't Just Sex 203
Lesbianism 208
Chapter 19 The New Romance 211
What Are You Looking for in a Partner? 211
What If You Keep Finding the Same Kind of Man? 213
Giving Up Control 219
Protecting Yourself 220
Chapter 20 The Long Haul 225
Learning to Cope with Loneliness 225
You Make Your Own Life 227
What Can You Do Now? 230
Section V The Ones Who Got Away 233
Chapter 21 The Ones Who Got Away 235
Life with the Batterer 235
The Unexpected 240
The Good Outweights the Bad 242
Getting Through the Stressful Days 242
Help Comes from Unexpected Sources 244
Advice to Women in Abusive Relationships 245
Hindsight 246
Advice to You if You're Thinking of Going Back 247
Life is Better Now 249
Section VI Special Challenges 253
Chapter 22 Emotional Abuse 255
Understanding the Chart of Coercion 256
Problems of Identifying Abuse 263
Identifying Emotional Abuse and Using Getting Free to Diminish It 263
Making Changes 273
Chapter 23 Teen Abuse 275
How Common is Teenage Battering? 276
How to Tell if You're Abused 277
Who's Responsible for the Violence? 278
What to do if You're Hit 279
Ending the Relationship 280
How to Use Getting Free 281
What Can a Parent Do? 283
Chapter 24 Lesbian Abuse 286
The Question of Who is Battering 286
The Nature of Lesbian Battering 288
How to Use Getting Free 290
Emergency Services 291
Ending Isolation 291
Chapter 25 Immigrant Women: Challenges and Solutions 294
Advocates for Abused Immigrant Women 294
Assessing Danger 298
Safety Plan for Staying or Leaving 298
To Call the Police or Not 300
When the Police Don't Come: Planning an Emergency Escape 303
Divorce of Separation from Your Partner: Immigration Status 304
People's Ideas and Actions Change 307
Life in the United States 310
Chapter 26 Religious Challenges 313
Are You Abused? 313
Politics and Culture: Religious Interpretations 315
Consultations: Religious and Domestic-Violence Authorities 320
Sex Abuse 324
Divorce 325
The Urge to Forgive 326
Communities Protect Victims and Hold Offenders Responsible 327
Section VII Stopping the Cycle of Abuse 329
Chapter 27 Men Who Batter: Can They Change? 331
Why Does He Do It? 332
Entitlement and Control 334
Is Change Possible? 335
Do Programs Work? 342
How to tell if the Program is Working for Your Partner 343
Chapter 28 Nurturing Your Children: Safety and Resilience 348
Safety Whether You Leave or Stay 348
Children's Visits with Their Father 352
How Violence Affects Children 354
Helping Children Who Have Witnessed Violence 357
Chapter 29 Moving Forward: What Communities Can Do 362
Danger If You Stay, Danger If You Leave: The Statistics 362
Bad News Gives Birth to a Movement Against Battering 364
Medical Costs 366
Child-Protection Costs 366
Costs to Business 367
Moving Forward 368
Resources 373
Notes 375
Suggested Reading 384
Internet Resources 391
Tips and Wheels 401
Index 413