I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki: A Memoir

The internationally bestselling therapy memoir translated by International Booker Prize shortlisted Anton Hur.

PSYCHIATRIST: So how can I help you?

ME: I don't know, I'm - what's the word - depressed? Do I have to go into detail?

Baek Sehee is a successful young social media director at a publishing house when she begins seeing a psychiatrist about her - what to call it? - depression? She feels persistently low, anxious, endlessly self-doubting, but also highly judgmental of others. She hides her feelings well at work and with friends, performing the calmness her lifestyle demands. The effort is exhausting, overwhelming, and keeps her from forming deep relationships. This can't be normal. But if she's so hopeless, why can she always summon a desire for her favorite street food: the hot, spicy rice cake, tteokbokki? Is this just what life is like?

Recording her dialogues with her psychiatrist over a twelve-week period, and expanding on each session with her own reflective micro-essays, Baek begins to disentangle the feedback loops, knee-jerk reactions, and harmful behaviors that keep her locked in a cycle of self-abuse. Part memoir, part self-help book, I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki is a book to keep close and to reach for in times of darkness. It will appeal to anyone who has ever felt alone or unjustified in their everyday despair.

ISBN-13: 9781635579383

Media Type: Hardcover

Publisher: Bloomsbury USA

Publication Date: 11-01-2022

Pages: 208

Product Dimensions: 5.50(w) x 8.10(h) x 1.00(d)

Born in 1990, Baek Sehee studied creative writing in college before working for five years at a publishing house. For ten years, she received psychiatric treatment for dysthymia (persistent mild depression), which became the subject of her essays, and then I Want to Die, but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki. Her favorite food is tteokbokki, and she lives with her rescue dog, Jaram. Anton Hur was born in Stockholm, Sweden. He is the winner of a PEN Translates grant and a PEN/Heim Translation Fund grant, among many others, and his translations include Kyung-Sook Shin's Violets, Bora Chung's Cursed Bunny, and Sang Young Park's Love in the Big City.

Table of Contents

Prologue ix

1 Slightly Depressed 1

2 Am I a Pathological Liar? 21

3 I'm Under Constant Surveillance 37

4 My Desire to Become Special Isn't Special at All 53

5 That Goddamn Self-Esteem 65

6 What Should I Do to Know Myself Better? 75

7 Regulating, Judging, Being Disappointed, Leaving 85

8 Medication Side Effects 93

9 Obsession with Appearances and Histrionic Personality Disorder 101

10 Why Do You Like Me? Will You Still Like Me If I Do This? Or This? 121

11 I Don't Look Pretty 133

12 Rock Bottom 143

13 Epilogue: It's Okay, Those Who Don't Face Darkness Can Never Appreciate the Light 151

14 Psychiatrist's Note: From One Incompleteness to Another 155

15 Postscript: Reflections on Life Following Therapy 157

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