ISBN-13: 9781119596561

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: Wiley

Publication Date: 07-18-2019

Pages: 480

Product Dimensions: 7.40(w) x 9.10(h) x 1.10(d)

Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer is America's favorite sex therapist. Author of over 40 books and host of several TV shows on human sexual- ity, she frequently lectures around the world. Pierre A. Lehu has worked with Dr. Ruth for decades as publicist, writer, and friend.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 20
Cybersex and Other Variations

In This Chapter

• Sex online
• Phone sex -- reach out and touch someone
• Shock jocks and sex talk on the air
• Sex on TV
• Multiple partners

When teenagers first get their hands on a new dictionary, what are the first words they look up? And when high schoolers are handed out their biology textbooks on the first day of school, do they hunt right away for the picture of a frog? Of course not. That's why it wouldn't surprise me if some of you have turned to this chapter before reading any of the others.

Now I'm not going to scold you for doing that, because I never blame anyone for wanting to learn about any aspect of human sexuality. So, if you believe that this chapter is where your knowledge is weakest, then that's great.

I can't deny that I was the same way. When I was a little girl, I made a precarious climb to unlock a cabinet on the top shelf where my parents kept what was called in those days a marriage manual, which basically taught people about human sexuality. (My parents could have used that book before they were married because, ironically, the only reason that this little contraception-pusher is in the world is because they failed to use any.) By making an artificial mountain out of some chairs, I was not only taking the risk of getting caught, but I could easily have tumbled down and broken my neck. So I recognize that we are all curious about sexual matters, and the higher that cabinet is -- that is to say, the more forbidden it seems -- the stronger our interest and that's fine. But . . .

Even though reading about kinky acts, looking at pornographic pictures, using those thoughts as part of fantasy, and sometimes even sharing those thoughts with a partner can be helpful to good sexual functioning, actually engaging in what most of us consider deviant sexual behavior is another story. From my experience as a sex therapist, the end results just don't turn out positively. Although sex can be a wonderful part of the glue that holds a couple together, pushed to its extremes, sex can just as easily be the storm that tears them apart. Even if both partners willingly enter into the world of "extreme" sex, the odds are that they won't exit it together.

Sex creates very powerful feelings that need to be kept under control. In that respect, sex is very like the human appetites for such items as liquor, drugs, or gambling. For some people, all they need is one taste of it, and they plunge down the abyss called addiction. So, while I'm all for people having a glass or two of wine with dinner, you have to be aware that you may be one of those people who cannot have even one sip of alcohol without setting off a chain reaction that you can't control. I'm even more in favor of people enjoying sex than alcohol, but you have to understand that sex, too, can be abused.

The biggest dangers of going into the outer fringes of sexual behavior used to be that you might find your relationship left in ruins, or maybe a string of them destroyed. Nowadays, the dangers have been multiplied a hundredfold as the risks of catching an incurable, deadly disease lie just around the corner of most of these forms of sex.

My advice is to tread very carefully. Peek through that knothole in the fence if you want, but don't try to climb over it. That fence is there for a reason, and you should heed the warnings to keep out.

Cybersex: Sex and the Computer

I suppose that, since they've computerized everything else, sex isn't going to escape this revolution. And I have to admit that even I, a grandmother who doesn't know how to turn one of those computer contraptions on, have moved onto the information superhighway ("going online") with a CD-ROM version of my Encyclopedia of Sex.

When it comes to passing on information about sex, I say great. When it comes to other forms of what's been dubbed cybersex, I say maybe. You're an adult. You can decide for yourself. Just make sure that children are protected from inappropriate material (see Chapter 25).

The French minitels

Although the word Internet is on everybody's mind right now, the French were using computers to communicate many years before that revolution hit these shores. The French phone company launched a system of minitels, which are basically small computers that are used only to communicate. Quickly, young French people discovered that this was a good way of making new friends, and being French, naturally many of these new friendships turned into romances.

Chatting via computer is one step further removed from sex than speaking on the phone. With computers, not only are your looks removed, but even your voice. Some people also think that your soul is removed from the process, but that's another story.

Computer sex forums

The big advantage that computer sex forums offer is that they are organized according to subject matter. That means that you can quickly find other people who share your tastes and communicate with them, passing on ideas, places to go, and things to do. The Internet being absolutely without guidelines, when I say that you can chat about any topic, I mean any topic. Some of the names of these forums should give you a clue as to what's out there: "Pumps, Leather, S&M," "Water Sports," "Piercing," "Dressing for Pleasure," "Dominance and Submission Only," "Loop and Lash B&D," "Zoo Animal Lovers," "Ten Things Every Lesbian Should Know About Love and Sex," "Penis Names," and "Below the Ankles -- Feet." Had enough?

Although some people merely "listen" in to what others are saying in these forums, most people actively participate. Some are looking to find people who could be their friends and, if it turns into something more romantic or sexual, that's fine. Such people are no different than anyone who attends a singles dance or goes to a singles bar. Sometimes, these people end up meeting the person they've been communicating with, and sometimes it remains only a cyberfriendship.

Other people go online looking only for cybersex, which may frequently result in masturbation. When that is the main aim of the particular forum, it is called a J/O (for jerk off) session. The people who inhabit these forums regularly call themselves cybersluts -- and who am I to disagree?

Anonymity online

Before you go exploring cyberspace, I have some words concerning personal information: It's up to you how much personal information you want to share.

After meeting someone in one of these forums, you might decide to exchange phone numbers and talk, and then maybe even meet. If you're looking for a partner, it is certainly better to get to know someone in person rather than only via your computer.

The difference between a blind date with someone who comes recommended by a friend or member of your family and one in which you've only met in cyberspace is that the cyberdate could be putting on a completely false front and, while seeming quite nice, actually be psychotic. They may sound absolutely sane on the computer, but they could easily be hiding a darker side. I'm not telling you to be completely paranoid, because the vast majority of the people you'll meet will be absolutely normal, but, because some danger is lurking out there, a little paranoia is appropriate.

(This chapter has been abridged.)

Table of Contents

About This Book 1

Foolish Assumptions 3

Icons Used in This Book 4

Beyond the Book 4

Where to Go from Here 5

Part 1: Getting Ready for Sex 7

Chapter 1: So You Want to Know More about Sex 9

What is Sex, Anyway? 10

So Why Do We Have It? 10

Understanding the Ins and Outs of the Sexual Response Cycle 16

Partnering Up 18

Playing It Safe 20

Adjusting Over Time 20

Are You Ready to Get Busy? 21

Chapter 2: Tuning the Male Organ 23

The Penis: Inside and Out 23

Grasping the Basics of Your Testicles 31

The Prostate Gland 37

Chapter 3: Demystifying the Female Parts 39

Making Time for a Grand Tour 40

Translating All Those Latin Terms 41

The “Men” Words: Menstruation and Menopause 49

Breasts: Hanging in There 55

Chapter 4: Dating 59

Does Anybody Still Date? 60

Where Chemistry and Physics Mingle 60

Giving Romance a Chance to Bloom 61

Overcoming Loneliness and Getting Yourself in Dating Shape 62

A Road Map for the Dating Apps 63

The Thrill of the Chase, the Bummer of Rejection 65

Finding the Right Partner: Difficult, Yes; Impossible, No 67

If You’re North of the 29th Parallel 73

Practical Dating Tips for All Ages 75

Should You Have Sex On a First Date? 76

Chapter 5: Introducing Sex into a Relationship 77

Determining When the Time is Right 79

Safety First 82

Advice for Virgins 84

Advice for Those with Prior Experience 85

Chapter 6: Commitment and Marriage 89

Knowing That Love Isn’t Enough 90

Handling Children and Commitment 90

Putting Your Marriage First 91

Strengthening Your Marriage 91

Chapter 7: It’s All about Control: Contraception and Sex 97

Why Use Contraceptives? 98

Considering Your Birth Control Options 100

Facing Facts about Birth Control Myths 119

If Your Method Fails 122

Chapter 8: Growing Up Fast: The Challenges of the Teen Years 127

Being a Teenager in the 21st Century 128

Evolving into Adulthood 130

Dealing with Common Concerns 131

Protecting Your Privacy 141

Don’t Stop Here 142

Part 2: Doing It 143

Chapter 9: Foreplay: Revving Up Your Engines 145

Foreplay for Life 145

Linking the Emotional to the Physical 146

Setting the Stage 147

Getting Physical 149

Switching Gears: Engaging the Genitals 154

Moving on to the Main Event 159

Variety is the Spice of Foreplay 160

Chapter 10: Intercourse: Coming Together for the First Time 161

What’s the Rush? 162

Making Your First Time Special 163

The First Time for Women 167

The First Time for Men 170

The First Time All Over Again 171

Chapter 11: Changing Positions: Variations on a Theme 173

The Good Old Missionary Position 174

The Female-Superior Position 177

Taking Her from Behind 179

East Side, West Side, Side by Side 183

Lap Dancing 184

The Oceanic Position 185

Standing Up 186

Oral Sex: Using Your Mouth 187

Anal Sex: Handle with Care 188

Safe Sex: Playing Alone Together 189

Sex During and After Pregnancy: Orgasms are Okay, with Changes 189

Chapter 12: Going for the Big O 195

What is an Orgasm, Anyway? 195

Experiencing Orgasms: Differences for Men and Women 196

Achieving Orgasm: Let Me Count the Ways 199

Don’t Try — Let It Come You’ll Be Glad You Did 202

Putting on Your O-Face: Responding to the Orgasmic Experience 203

The Best Reason to Have an Orgasm 204

Chapter 13: Afterplay: Embracing the Moment 205

Understanding the Importance of Afterplay 206

Sharing the Moment 207

The Simplest of Techniques 209

Chapter 14: Spicing Up Your Sex Life 211

Using Variety to Add Some Va Va Va Voom to Your Sex Life 212

Expanding Your Toy Chest 214

What If You’re Just Never in the Mood? 217

Part 3: Different Strokes 219

Chapter 15: Enjoying Oral Sex 221

Overcoming Your Inhibitions 222

Leaving Him Breathless: What Men Like 223

Making Her Toes Curl: What Women Like 225

Dealing with Some Delicate Details 227

Assuming the Position 229

Addressing the Safety Issue 230

Chapter 16: Savoring Solo Play and Fantasy 233

Exploring the Mythology of Masturbation 233

Avoiding Too Much of a Good Thing 235

Masturbation: Good for All Ages 236

Masturbation Education 239

Fantasy: It’s All in Your Head 244

Chapter 17: Keeping Up with Cybersex and Other Hot Stuff 247

Eyes Wide Open: A Word of Caution 247

Cybersex: Sights for Mature Minds 248

Sex and the Telephone: Aural Sex 254

Sex and the Radio: It’s All Talk 255

Sex and Television: A Different Meaning of Boob Tube 256

Pulp Nonfiction 257

Sex with Multiple Partners: Where Do All of These Body Parts Go? 258

Chapter 18: Celebrating Same-Sex Relationships 261

Considering Sexual Identity 261

Determining Your Orientation: What Turns You On 266

Revealing Your Sexual Identity 266

Sexual Practices among Gay Men 271

Sexual Expression between Lesbians 272

Marriage between Same-Sex Partners 274

Chapter 19: Conquering the Challenges of Mature Sex 275

Female Changes: Tackling Menopause 276

Male Changes: Not All the Same 277

A benefit of aging: No more premature ejaculation 280

The Psychological Pluses and Minuses 280

Chapter 20: Thriving Sexually with Illness or Disability 283

We are All Sexual Beings 284

Sex When You’re Physically Disabled 284

Sex After You’ve Had a Heart Attack 288

When Disabilities Arise Later in Life 290

Sex When You Have Diabetes 291

Sex and People Who are Mentally Disabled or Ill 293

Sex and People Who are Living in a Long-Term Care Facility 295

Uncompromising Compromised Sex 296

Part 4: Having a Healthy Sex Life 297

Chapter 21: What You Can Catch and How to Prevent It 299

STDs: Battle Scars No One Wants after a Night of Sex 300

Let’s Get Serious 312

Chapter 22: Erectile Dysfunction and Other Male Sexual Problems 321

Premature Ejaculation 322

Erectile Dysfunction 328

Delayed Ejaculation 338

Priapism — The Case of the Permanent Erection 339

The Bent Penis 339

Lack of Desire 341

Chapter 23: Low Libido and Other Female Sexual Problems 343

That Elusive Orgasm 343

Ouch! It’s Too Tight in There 351

When Cleaning the House Sounds Better Than Having Sex 352

Every Body is Attractive 354

Sex After a Mastectomy 355

Chapter 24: Avoiding Sexual Relationship Pitfalls 357

Making Time for Alone Time 358

Making the Most of a Long-Distance Relationship 361

Dealing with Addictive Behavior: Hooked on Porn 362

Staying Close to Avoid the Empty-Nest Syndrome 364

Making Sex a Priority 365

Chapter 25: Sex and the Law 367

Sex, Children, and the Law 368

Rape: A Growing Concern 372

The Law and Contraception 373

The Law against Spreading Diseases 374

Abortion: A Legal Safeguard 375

The Law and Homosexuality 376

Prostitution: The Case for Legalization 377

Pornography: Erotic or Obscene 378

Adultery: Cheating the Law 380

Chapter 26: Teaching Your Children about Sex and Keeping Them Safe 381

Not Everything is Dangerous 382

Answering Children’s Questions 384

Warning Signs of Possible Sexual Abuse 385

The Accidental Voyeur 386

Protecting Your Children from the Media 387

Protecting Your Kids from Cyberporn 388

Giving the Speech about Strangers 391

Sex Ed and the Older Child 393

Other Messages You Don’t Want to Send 394

Part 5: The Part of Tens 397

Chapter 27: Ten Dumb Things People Believe about Sex 399

If I Haven’t Had Sex by the Time I’m 18, I’m a Loser 399

The More I Score, the More Pleasure I’ll Have 400

The Sex Depicted in Porn is True to Life 401

The Grass is Always Greener in the Neighbors’ Bedroom 401

Sex Will Make Everything All Right 402

A Good Lover Must Be an Open Book 402

I Should Compare Sexual Partners 403

I Can’t Become a Better Lover 403

Lovers Want and Need the Same Things 404

I’m Too Old to Have Sex 404

Chapter 28: Ten Tips for Safer Sex 407

Learn to Say No 407

Limit Your Number of Partners 408

Don’t Rely Solely on Your Instincts 408

Never Dull Your Senses When You’re with Strangers 409

Discuss Safer Sex in Advance 409

Use Condoms 410

Develop a Relationship Before You Have Sex 410

Don’t Engage in Risky Behavior 411

Don’t Forget about the Other STDs 411

Don’t Sell Your Other Options Short 412

Chapter 29: Ten Things Women Wish Men Knew about Sex 413

Chivalry Isn’t Dead Yet 413

Appearances Count 414

You Can’t Hurry Love 414

A Clitoris is Not Just a Small Penis 415

Women Need to Bask in the Afterglow 415

Kinky Sex Isn’t Sexy Sex 416

Wandering Eyes Mean Less Sex 417

Slam-Bam-Thank-You-Ma’am Doesn’t Cut the Mustard 417

Changing Diapers is Sexy 418

Just Because You Can’t Doesn’t Mean You Won’t 418

Chapter 30: Ten Things Men Wish Women Knew about Sex 419

Being Aware of Mixed Signals 419

Lack of Sex Really Can Hurt 420

Sometimes Wasting Electricity is Okay 420

Teamwork is Important 420

Celebrities’ Bodies are Not a Threat 421

A Little Tact, Please 422

If You Really Loved Me, You’d 422

The Way to a Man’s Heart is Not through His Stomach 423

It Might Just Be Sex 423

The Older a Man Gets, the More Help He Needs 424

Chapter 31: Ten Tips for Truly Great Lovers 425

Don’t Make Love on Your First Date 425

Set the Mood as Far in Advance as Possible 426

Find Out What Your Partner Needs 426

Protect Yourself and Your Partner 427

Don’t Fall into a Rut 427

Fix the Potholes of Love 428

Use Your Sense of Touch 428

Become a Great Kisser 429

Satisfy Your Partner Even If You Don’t Feel Like Sex 429

Adjust to Changes Caused by Aging 430

Appendix A: Step Into My Office 431

Appendix B: Terrific Resources 441

Index 445