But I Love Him: Protecting Your Teen Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships

ISBN-13: 9780060957292

Media Type: Paperback

Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers

Publication Date: 09-18-2001

Pages: 208

Product Dimensions: 5.31(w) x 8.00(h) x 0.47(d)

Dr. Jill Murray is a psychotherapist with a private practice in Laguna Niguel, California. She speaks to thousands of students and parents in high schools around the country each year on the topic of abusive teen relationships, a focus she developed while serving as lead therapist at a domestic violence shelter for women and children. Her appearances on Oprah, Leeza, and radio call-in shows have generated overwhelming response from concerned parents nationwide. She lives in Laguna Niguel.

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Abusive dating relationships and dating violence have increased at alarming rates in the last five years. It is estimated that one in three girls will have an abusive dating experience by the time she graduates from high school. In my professional experience--counseling girls and their parents in this situation--this is a gross underestimation. By this conservative figure, more than eight million girls per year in the United States alone will suffer at the hands of a violent boyfriend before their eighteenth birthdays. Teen abuse is epidemic. In America today, every nine seconds a teenage girl is battered by someone with whom she is in a relationship. What is most alarming is that the signs of potential abuse are also behaviors that young women find most flattering.

I'm sure you never thought you'd be reading a book about teen dating violence. I'm also sure you never imagined that your daughter would be involved in an abusive relationship. Oh, you may have worried about other potential problems: pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and drunk driving. But it probably never entered your consciousness that your own daughter could be involved with a boy who is verbally, emotionally, sexually, or physically abusive. Give yourself a break. No parent wants to think of emotional or physical harm coming to her own child.

The University of Michigan Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center in Ann Arbor defines dating violence as "the intentional use of abusive tactics and physical force in order to obtain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner." There are three key words inthis definition. Intentional is important to understand because it is clear that your daughter's boyfriend is cruel to her on purpose. As we will discuss further in chapter 6, violence of any sort is a learned behavior and completely voluntary. No one forces a teenage abuser to behave as he does, and it is totally within his power to stop. Power and control are also crucial words. Like adult batterers, the teen abuser uses tactics of control and coercion to keep his "victim" tied to him.

Before we go any further, I would like you to consider a few questions regarding your daughter's relationship with her boyfriend. If you recognize some of these warning signs in your daughter's relationship and feel that she may be in serious danger, please call your local police or sheriff's department or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE.

<

Table of Contents